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Act Four
Author: I'm enjoying this.
Erik: I thought I'd never say this but I am too. Though you've violated over 20 copyrights.
Author: Oh shut the [explicit] up.
Quaxo: Now onto the story of Sir Alonzo and his adventure. The setting changes to a very prettily decorated castle with... prettily decorated guards. The prince of the Swamp kingdom, Prince Admetas argues with his father, King Asparagus.
Admetas: but daddy, I don't wanna get married-
Asparagus: I don't care if you want to marry for love! You're getting married in 20 minutes to the beautiful and rich Princess Bombalurina. I don't care if she's rude, crass, loud, or mean, I need the money. (Looks at the 2 guards who have flowers and pretty ribbons on them for the festive decoration)
Bombalurina: I have a feeling the author has her decorative touch to the medieval ages.
Author: Who said goat heads, human arms, and pretty flowers weren't good decorations?
Gus: (talking to guards) Now, you stay here and make sure he doesn't leave. Got it?
Etcetera: Alright. I'll make sure she doesn't leave and then I'll go too.
Gus: No. Make sure the Prince doesn't leave after I leave, unless I come to fetch him.
Etc: Right. I'll fetch him and make sure you don't leave.
Gus: No, no, no! Make sure the Prince does not leave this room unless I, the King, come to get him.
Etc: Ok.
Gus: Ok. (Opens the door and walks out as Etc and the other guard follow him.) Hey, what are doing?
Etc: Following you.
Gus: Stay here! (Stomps off.)
Quaxo: As the king left, Etcetera and the other guards stood there and watched Prince Admetas, as he... secretly wrote a help note, pinned it on an arrow and threw it out the window.
Author: Never said castle guards were all that bright.
Quaxo: Just then, Sir Knight Alonzo was riding his horse that wasn't there as the coconuts clashed in the paws of his servant, Rumpleteaser, whom we are using for the sake we're short on toms. Miraculously, the arrow the Prince threw hit Rumple though the forest was miles away.
Rumple: Ahhh! (Fake screams and puts the arrow under her arm.)
Alonzo: Oh no! My faithful servant, I will avenge who ever threw this arrow. Hey, there's a message. (Takes the pieces of paper off arrow and reads it.) "Dear whomever finds this, I am locked up in a big castle tower and am being forced to marry against my will. Please help the helpless person I am and rescue me." (To Rumple) My pals, I shall rescue this fair maiden who writes this note and you will not have died in vain.
Rumple: Come off. I'm 'ot dead. In fact, I'll 'ome w'th ya.
Alonzo: (trying to bold, dramatic, brave, and all that crap) No! Stay here, for yea is mortally wounded.
Rumple: No, really. I'm ok. (Starts to get up but is pushed back down by Alonzo.)
Alonzo: No, I will go rescue the lady who wrote this note. (Runs off, pretending to ride a horse, while Rumple starts playing solitaire.)
Quaxo: Suddenly, our hero comes to the castle where chaos breaks loose.
Alonzo: (yells as he cuts down the first guard decorated with yellow flowers he sees, kills 3 bridesmaid, hurts the bride, nearly kills the Father of the bride, injures the Priest, kills the mime (everyone cheers) and then knocks over the cake in his bloody rampage.)
Author: I think I did a good description right there.
Erik: Yep sounds like every time you go on one of your sprees.
Alonzo: (races up the steps and breaks into the Prince's room) Ha! I have come to rescue you!
Etcetera: Oh goodie! I can go now! (Leaves with other guard to go get something to eat.)
Admetas: Great! I got the rope ready. (Ties a rope to the bedpost throws the rope out the window and lowers himself out the window.) Come and rescue me, sir knight!
Asparagus: (rushes in) What the hell is going on here? You killed the father of the bride!
Alonzo: Well, um... er... Ahem, I can explain. I got a note from your son, thinking he was a lady and-
Gus: I can understand.
Alonzo: And sometimes, the whole knight hormones go nuts and I gotta kill a number of people. I mean, it's just instinct.
Admetas: Come on, knight! I need to be rescued- aaaahhhhh! (Falls off rope and lands in the moat)
Gus: Er, oh well. I'm glad to cancel the wedding. Never liked the lad anyway. (Puts his arm around Alonzo's shoulder's and leads him back to the bloody remains of the party) I like your type. My kingdom could use more of your kind-
Bombalurina: There's the moron who killed my daddy!
Alonzo; (hacks and kills a few of the angry people who come near to strangle him.) Er sorry. Hormones again.
JennyAnyDots: Hey! The bride's daddy isn't dead!
Alonzo: Ok, so he's fatally wounded?
Jenny: No, not really. He says he's ok.
Gus: Well, fortunate- I mean, unfortunately, the groom was killed.
Rum Tum Tugger: No. (drags in Admetas) He's getting better.
Gus: He's mortally wounded?
Tugger: Nope.
Author: I'll do that! (Pushes her cart of dead and rings her bell.) Give me the dead! Give me your dead! I would like to eat tonight!
Erik: Aw, man. Stew again?
Admetas: (shakily) No I'm fine. But now I would like to tell you something-
Gus: Oh no! He's going to sing 'Living Liveta Loca'
Alonzo: Now my adventure has ended, I shall be off! (Grabs onto a hanging, handy rope and push himself off the stairs and attempt to leap out the window, heroically, but fails) Um. Can some one give me a push?
Quaxo: But poor Alonzo had to hang about the Author's cart of death while everyone sang Spice Girls.