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Act Five
Mistoffelees: How many acts are there?
Author: A lot.
Misto: Do you want to be more pacific?
Author: No. Not really.
Quaxo: And so then, all of the knights met up with King Munkustrap and now, in this scene of. Scene number something. They sit in a hut of an old woman.
Demeter: First a bored goddess, then this...
Author: You want my job as an undertaker?
Dem: Heck no!
Author: Good! (Pushes her cart and continues to ring her bell) Bring out'cer dead!
Munkustrap: Oh old and wise lady, we have heard you can tell us where to find the magic yarn ball.
Demeter: (cackling) you will find the answer after to meet up with the Magician Tim!
Knights: Tim?
Dem: That's Misto in this case. Anyway, before that, you must defeat the knights who say 'Boogie!" Then after you talk to Misto sparlikes, cross the bridge of Doom.
Skimble: Wasn't that in an Indiana Jones movie?
Author: He gives my state a bad name! And so does Michael Jackson.
Erik: Michael Jackson is from Indiana?
Author: Shh! That's supposed to remain a secret. Most think he's from New York and we hope they keep thinking that.
Quaxo: Anyway, back to the story, the knights awed in awe as the old woman disappeared before their eyes. They set out and rode into the forest, where they were suddenly surrounded by the dark knights that say "Boogie!"
Rum Tum Tugger: Haha! I am the head knight of the Knights that say 'Boogie!" WE have caught you trespassing on our land in the forest. And we're mad. So, you must have another quest and fetch us a… (Thinks hard)
Author: An unopened tissue box!
Tugger: Yeah! And make sure it's not used!
Quaxo: So, the knights of King Munkustrap's order, rode back into the village and bullied some beautiful, young, intelligent, helpless, serial killer girl into giving them a tissue box. (To Author) You don't need to flatter yourself.
Author: (dressed as a helpless, young, beautiful serial killer girl, with a bazooka strapped to her back) Yeah? So sue me! I never get compliments from any men... or girl, for that matter, around here. (Hands Munkustrap a tissue box, kicks him in the shin and runs away)
Munku: (limping/riding the invisible horse) Ow that hurt, the little brat. (Back into character and speaks to Tugger) Oh knights who say Boogie-
Tugger: We changed our mind. We are now the Knights who say Antidisestablishmenterismists of the forest.
Munku: Ok. Knights whom... until recently said Boogie, we brought you an unopened, unused tissue box that I had to suffer for. (Rubs the big bump on his shin where the author, now giggling, had kicked him)
Tugger: Ok, you can pass.
Quaxo: And so the Knights of the Round table were let by and they hopped into the mountains where they then saw a figure blowing things up with a magic staff, and it wasn't even Ruby this time.
Author: Oh jeez, I feel loved.
Munku: Oh great Magician-
Bombalurina: Why does he call everyone "Oh great- whom ever you are"?
Author: He's begging.
Munku: I am not!
Bomb: Sure. That's what they all say.
Munku: Mr. Magician, what is your name?
Misto: (raises his arms and shoots a lighting bolt into the sky, to make himself look grand.) They call me... Joe.
Munku: Joe?
Misto: Ok, I wanted a better name but I just had to be named after the Devil's Advocate, didn't I? I am not a bad guy!
Munku: Ok then Joe. Can you tell us where to find the Magic Yarnball?
Misto: Did you look in K-mart? Target?
Skimble: Yep. All I found was a special on lice infected sheets.
Author: And I wasn't notified?
Misto: Er, um well you will have to get into the Cave of Horrors, and get past the evil monster that guards it. No man has ever gotten past the damned creature since Mr. Rogers came.
Quaxo: And so, the magician and the knights rode their nervous unreal horses to the Cave of Horrors, which was covered in rotting fleshed bones, dried skulls, geysers, and the occasional mime skin.
Erik: Really, it wasn't my fault that time.
Misto: (ducks behind some rocks and points to a hollowed out monstrous skull, which serves as the cave entrance and looks really face because it originally was supposed to be the headboard of Aphrodite's room and being covered din pink lace and such) look. There is the evil monster.
Quaxo: And out came a tiny white bunny.
Munku: You got us all wronged up for a stupid bunny rabbit! You son of a bitch!
Misto: I am not! And besides that rabbit is evil. It can jump this high. (Trails off) He has big teeth (stops) He is really big. (Pauses) JUST LOOK AT BONES!
Tugger: just go and cut the damn thing's head off. (Runs at the rabbit. waving his sword.)
Rabbit: (jumps at Tugger is now replaced by a dummy so to not injure the tom too much) Squeak! Squeak! (Bites the dummy's/Tugger's head off)
Mungojerrie: Holy shit! It bited 'ugger's head off!
Munku: Men, CHARGE!
Quaxo: And so the stupid knights went forward and attacked the bunny rabbit where as the rodent bit off half the crew's head.
Munku: Run away! Run away!
Skimble: We need a plan. (Thinks) I know! The Holy Hand grenade!
Mungo: Huh?
Munku: Right oh! Sister Bombalurina, the priest! Bring us the Holy Hand grenade.
Bomb: (laughing at Tugger) I get to be a priestess, I get to be a priestess.
Munku: Ok tell me how to use the thing.
Bomb: (opens the "Cat's Bible to how to do great makeovers") Ye shall raise the hand grenade high above thy head, having it shine in all glory of the heaven's as when the great Growltiger did signify his almighty death-
Munku: Cut to the chase.
Bomb: (continuing) So raise the grenade high above your head. The pull the all mighty cross pin of splendor which saves the evil from the inside, and count to three. Do not count below or above the three. Count to four and ye shall be blown to smithereens. Count to two and it shall not work for ye and ye shall be blown up. Counting to six is out of the question. When ye has counteth to three, no more or no less, ye shall hurl the golden thing to the thing ye wants to blow up. (Slams book closed) And it the Hand grenade is also very useful when trying to cut off all spilt ends.
Knights: (all yawn and stretch as they wake up)
Munku: Thank you, (yawn) Sister Bombalurina. (Takes the Holy Hand grenade, and pulls the pin) One, two, five?
Everyone: Three!
Munku: Right! Three! (Hurls it at the bunny and the bunny explodes into a billion little pieces and everyone cheers)
(Not to far away, Old Deuteronomy is carried away on a stretcher, whole Jellyorum talks to the policemen about the whole riding by knight deal.)
Jelly: What was that?
Policeman 1: Sounded like the Holy Hand Grenade.
Policeman 2: That could be our knight and suspect right now. Let's go over.
Policeman 1: Doughnut anyone?
Quaxo: And then all the knights went into the cave, clanking in their plastic armor under the torchlight. Finally, they came to the back of the cave. To the very last writings of Mr. Rodgers that are written on the wall of the living rock.
Munku: I can make it out. (Reading the writing) "Dear whomever you are. Will you be my neighbor? I have been in this cave for sometime with my pet Chicken and King Friday has gone to Communism. I have seeked the Yarnball of true Happiness and I am lost here. The Yarn Ball is located in the castle of... Aaaargh?"
Skimble: You sure it says Aaaargh?
Munku: Aaargh, 4 A's, one g and one h. Yep, spells aaargh.
Skimble: (hears something and looks over his shoulder) Oooooooohhh!
Munku: no, it's Aaaargh, like the sound you make on the back of your throat.
Skimble: No! That! (Points at a strange site.)
Jemima: (dressed in a cute dragon costume, hissing and flexing her tinny kitten claws) mew! Roar! I am a mean old dragon!
Knights: Aaw. How cute!
Jemima: (sad, big eyes) I'm not scary enough?
Knights: Those eyes! Ahhh! Cannot resist! Run away! Run away! (All run out of the cave in terror)
Quaxo: She's so adorable! Such a cute, lil' wittle cutie lil' baby kitten!
Author: (cough) Ahem (coughs) You're on.
Quaxo: I am? (Blushing) Anyway, the king and his followers rode off to the Bridge of Doom, knowing they had top get to the castle of Aaargh. They came to an old rickety bridge, where Griddlebone was guarding it.
Munku: Right men. We have to answer three questions. Who'll go first?
Alonzo: Me! Me! Pick me!
Munku: Mungojerrie, you're brave. You go.
Mungo: I dunt wanna.
Alonzo: I'll go! (Strides up to Griddlebone) ask me away.
Griddle: What is your quest?
Alonzo: To find the Magic Yarnball.
Griddle: What is your name?
Alonzo: Sir Alonzo the brave.
Griddle: What's yer favorite color?
Alonzo: Blue. (Passes by and waits at the bridge)
Mungo: That's easy! I can do that!
Griddle: (Asks the same first two questions then,) What is the Capital of Mongolia?
Mungo: I dunno. AAAAHHH! (Is thrown into the Pit of Despair, which is really a trench below the bridge that has a big pool of foam and mud.) Yuck! Foam and mud!
Quaxo: And so the knights were asked to come up one by one and all were thrown in except for Alonzo and Skimbleshanks, unfortunately. Then King Munkustrap came up.
Griddle: (asks the same two questions) What is the weight ratio of a swallow carrying a coconut?
Munku: An African swallow, or a European one?
Griddle: I don't know. AHHH! (Is throw into the pit of despair)
Alonzo: Com'on, oh mighty king leader guy! We shall cross this rickety bridge!
Quaxo: And they took one cautious step after another while the ropes snapped and creaked, the boards bent under their weight as the pit of Despair seemed more horrendous than ever. Suddenly-
Author: INTERMISSION!
Everyone: What!?
Author: I need to get up from typing and get something to eat. (Runs off to kitchens and comes back carrying a cola can and some Oreo's.) Ok you can go on now.
Erik: Strange and unexplainable. Cruel and unusual.
Quaxo: Suddenly, the king slipped but pulled himself up and once he had crossed the bridge, he saw Sir Smart Skimble but no Alonzo.
Policeman 1: (Putting handcuffs on Alonzo, in another scene, and searching him) Stupid run and cuts.
Munku: Oh well. We shall journey on without him and once we find the Holy Yarnball, we shall dedicate the quest in his honor. Ok, let's move on out.
Quaxo: And so they did. They rode on even without their servants who had sneaked out for a drink at the nearest bar and ended up not remembering what their tab was. But anyway, the last 2 Knights of the Round Table came to a lake. There came a beautiful boat that seemed to have a life of it's own as it sailed toward them since no one was aboard.
Mistoffelees: Actually, we just used a lot of string.
Quaxo: Ruin the effect why don't you! (Sigh) Never liked him but mother always favored him over me. (Sniff)
Bombalurina: Get on with it!
Quaxo: Once the boat reached shores, Sir Skimbleshanks the supposed to be smart one and King Munkustrap clambered on aboard. The boat took them across the huge lake which was covered in where pretty mists.
Everyone: (coughing) Stupid smoke machines are out of control!
Quaxo: Finally, the boat came to the edge of a castle. The Castle of Aaaargh.
Munku: At last! Out quest has ended. We had our challenges and out tributes and our suffering but we're here! (Calling up the castle) People in there; lend me your ears. (A sound of popping and there's a rain of plastic ears) That's... just... disgusting!
Erik: (snickering) 'ello, 'ello! Nice to see you stupid British again!
Munku: You again! Damnit! We want the Yarnball.
Erik: Too bad. You're not getting it! Now go away!
Munku: No fair! I was just dragged through a 2 hour long movie crossover and you want me to go away? No you stupid bastard!
Erik: Who you calling the bastard! (Calling to the Psychopaths) fire away!
Munku and Skimble: (Running away as there's a downpour of goats, ears, and the occasional human corpse.) Across the water! Quickly! (Some how the manage to swim across the water.)
Munku: (facing the castle) we shall not stand for this! We will attack!
Quaxo: Just then, thousands apon thousands of men, soldiers, cats, people came to help him. They stood tall and proud and they had stick ponies for horses this time. The Calvary had arrived.
Erik: Uh-oh. We're in trouble!
Quaxo: Just then there was the high pitched squeal of police sirens and Jellyorum and 2 policemen popped out of the car.
Policeman 1: Right then! You'll go back home! Nothing more to see here! I could have you all arrested for having weaponry and trespassing.
Erik: I'm a witness.
Policeman 2: (to Erik) And you! You're still wanted in Paris!
Erik: They'll never catch me!
Policeman 1: (puts handcuffs on Munkustrap) You are being arrested for a shooting/cutting and running away on Old Deuteronomy (Shoves him in the car.)
Jemima: (comes running out in her adorable dragon costume and holds a sign) The End!
End of story
(Afterwards...)
Munku: That was sorta strange though I enjoyed playing a part of power.
Misto: And I didn't get killed this time!
Erik: And I got to ridicule Munkustrap and all you people.
Misto: speaking of ridicule, where's the author?
(Silence from everyone except for the faint sound of typing.)
Misto: Oh no. She's working on another crossover?!?
Author's Voice: That's right! Johnny, tell our contestant what he's won! (Giggle) Yep, another crossover. Either Sailor Moon-
(Everyone screams)
Author: Or Hunchback of Notre Dame.
(Everyone screams.)
Author: (sighs) it's a win win situation for me!