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Disclaimer: Ok it's a crossover to Monty Python's A Quest for the Holy Grail and I don't want to infringe copyrights because then I'll have a cow catapulted at me. There.
Cast:
King Arthur- Munkustrap
Arthur's Servant (and horse)- Macavity
Sir Lancelot- Alonzo
Sir Robin- Mungojerrie
Sir Smart Guy- Skimbleshanks
Sir Really Groovy- Rum Tum Tugger
(Will not be appearing) Sir Monkey boy- Carbucketty
Narrator- Quaxo
Magician Tim- Mistoffelees
Main Minstrel: Tumblebrutus
Various other extras and people who smack each other as they turn the pages-
any other original cats from the Junkyard that I was able to kidnap
Author- The village idiot and undertaker
The village idiot- RubyFire
French Guard/guy who bugs about Copyrights/Author's right-hand man- Erik (AKA the Phantom)
Sound board and Censor- Jellyorum
Other French Guards: Psychopaths.
Psychopaths: Johnny (from the Shinning), RubyFire (the author), Sweeny Todd (From Sweeny Todd the demon barber of 52nd Street) Carrie (from Carrie), and other various crazed serial killers.
Famous Historian: Old Deuteronomy
Evil dragon: Jemima dressed in a costume
Evil bunny rabbit: The Cadbury Bunny
Before play/performance/whatever:
Munkustrap: I don't trust Ruby... no. Not this time.
Macavity: Well atleast I'm not bad guy this time.
Quaxo: aha. I get to play the narrator.
Munku: *whispering* Do you see who else is in the script?
Quaxo: Oh no...
Author: Great! Everyone's here! Now every one don't worry. This time, no dies a suffering death. Arrested, battered, heads cut off and painless deaths but no one suffers... too much.
Erik: Can I ask why I am dressed like a Spanish conquistador?
JennyAnyDots: Have you ever seen a French one?
Everyone: No. Nopers. Let's get this over with.
Act One
(Setting is Medieval England, in the dark ages, during the real King Arthur's time... Er or pretend to be anyway.)
Quaxo: King Munkustrap was a brave and daring man. He rode across the plains of fog and smoke to ask other kings if they would join his kingdom. He rode up- Wait a second! We don't have horses!
Author: I know.
Munkustrap: (skips along, acting like he's riding a horse, while Macavity knocks two coconuts together. He comes up a big castle.) You there! Go and find your master and tell him King Munkustrap wants to talk to him.
Electra: (dressed as a guard) What'ca want?
Munku: I want to know if he wants to join my court in Camelot.
Electra: You don't have a horse!
Munku: So?
Electra: He's banging two coconuts together! That's stupid. Where'd ya get the coconuts?
Munku: It doesn't matter! We just found them.
Electra: You found them? That's impossible. We're in Europe. This is a Temperate Zone.
Munku: So?
Electra: it's cold for coconuts to grow, you dumb wit!
Munku: Maybe they migrate. Like the swallow.
Electra: No way! Coconuts don't migrate, you stupid bitch!
Jellyorum: Electra! Now I have to use my soundboard! Bad girl, no pizza for a week.
Electra: But mommy! (Pouts for a moment) Maybe the swallow carried the coconut.
Macavity: But the weight ratio of the swallows wing beat and the weight of the coconut, the swallow would have to beat it's wings exactly 56 times a second to carry a coconut from Africa to England.
Electra: unless it was an African swallow! But they don't migrate do they.
Macavity: Maybe two swallows carried it-
Munku: Would you both just SHUT UP?!
Electra: (not listening) 2 swallows couldn't because they couldn't grab the husk.
Quaxo: And so continued Electra on her thoughts of the weight ratio as Munkustrap and Macavity sneaked by into the… dirty castled in area of the kingdom.
Author: (dressed like an undertaker, pushing a cart with corpses piled onto it, and ringing a bell.) Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Plato: (has Gus draped over his shoulder) Here ya go.
Gus: I'm not dead! I'm getting better
Author: I heard him, I can't take him.
Plato: Come on, he'll be dead in a minute. Just wait.
Author: I'm busy. I still gotta get around the city and direct this {blocked out word from soundboard} script! I'll be back around by next Monday. He'll be dead then.
Gus: I am getting better! I won't die!
Plato: How much will ya take? I need to get this guy off my hands.
Gus: You monkey! I will not die! I am a famous actor who'll-
Author: (takes her heavy bell and hits Gus over the head, rendering him unconscious, then puts him onto her cart) Right then, see you next Monday.
Quaxo: At that moment, Munkustrap and Macavity rode by, and the villagers, including the undertaker and Plato, gave them strange and funny look.
Plato: Who was 'at?
Author: Must've been a king. Cuz 'e's not covered in shit.
Jelly: Ruby!
Author: oh shut up! (continues to ring her bell and calling out for the dead)
Quaxo: Er, anyway. The King Munkustrap and his faithful servant, Macavity, .. rode... through the city where as they came and gazed apon a witch trial in the process. Actually, it was a bunch of ignorant Jellicles who had dressed Victoria up and claimed she was a witch before the smart Mr. Smart Guy, a.k.a. Skimbleshanks.
Victoria: I AM NOT A WITCH! They dressed me up like this.
Skimbleshanks: (to the ignorant Jellicle/Villagers) did you?
Pouncival: No! (pause) Ok, we did the nose. (pause) And the hat.. and the clothes.
Skimble: So do you have any proof she's a witch?
Pounce: She turned me into a toad! (Everyone looks at him like he's crazy.) Well, I got better. But she's still a witch! And we burn her!
Various Queens: Yeah!
Skimble: I need proof. Now, what are witches made of that make them burn? (Confused cats look at him strangely) What else do we burn?
Everyone: more witches!
Skimble: That wasn't what I was looking for.
Pounce: Wood?
Skimble: Very good! Wood also floats in the water. What else floats in the water.
(Everyone thinks very hard)
Pounce: Tiny rocks? Pencils? Monkeys? Paper?
Munkustrap: A duck.
Skimble: Very good. Now, what are we going to do with a duck, which has to do with Victoria being made out of wood?
Pounce: Making a bridge out of her?
Skimble: No. We'll see if she weighs the same as a duck, and then if she weighs the same, she's made of wood, there for she's a witch.
Pounce: I knew that!
Quaxo: And so, they put Victoria one the scale and a stuffed duck on the other find she weighed the same. Screaming that she was innocent, the white-ish cat was taken away by the crazed, bloodthirsty villagers. Meanwhile, Munkustrap approached Skimbleshanks.
Munku: You have proven your knowledge, Mr. Smart Guy. Will you join me in my court at Camelot where your knowledge will be more appreciated and you will get better wages.
Skimble: Ok.
Munku: I dub thee Sir Smart Guy Skimbleshanks in the court of Camelot.
Skimble: Ok.
Quaxo: And so they... rode off on their invisible horses as their servants clashed coconuts, until they came apon a big bridge. There was a big fight scene where some dude in black armor beat up and cut off the head of the dude in white armor. There was a lot of blood and fake special effects and then the fight was over. King Munkustrap approached the Black Knight.
Munku: Oh Black Knight, I've seen you fight and deem worthy of becoming a knight of my court in Camelot. Will you join us. (Gets no response.) You sure? Well, then I will pass you and go across thy bridge and be on my way.
Black Knight: No crosses my bridge. Now, prepare to meet thy doom! (takes out sword and tries to attack Munkustrap)
Munku: (easily blacks the blow, spins around and cuts off the Knight's arm) Now you are defeated. Let us pass.
Knight: No way you yellow belied Pollicle! It's a mere scratch.
Munku: I just cut off your arm!
Knight: Merely a flesh wound.
Munku: (lunges and cuts off, both legs and the other arm.) Now go away and let us pass.
Knight: Come back here you [exciplt blocked out by censor's soundboard], I'll bite your legs off! Chicken aren't you. You're afraid of me!
Quaxo: (looks worried) I am very afraid of the author, now. Anyway, King Munkustrap/Arthur traveled all over England and collected very cool knights in semi-shinning armor. These would include: Sir Alonzo, the brave. Sir Rum Tum Tugger the really groovy, Sir Mungojerrie the not-as brave as Alonzo, who nearly stood up to thew chicken of evil, who nearly poked himself with a knife in the kitchens, and almost wet himself personally at the Battle of Endor.
Mungojerrie: Endor?
Author: My script, I'll put Star Wars in there if I want.
Quaxo: And there's Sir Monkey Boy, Carbucketty but he's not appearing because we couldn't find him, or my brother Mistoffelees. (grins thinking at his secret plot to bring the downfall of his brother, which is already in action.)
Author: Now he's evil. (sigh) I'm in love...
Erik: (scowls and pulls Ruby back) Mine. I don't care if I hate your guts. I'm possessive.
Author: Oh go take a cold shower!
Quaxo: (warily, scooting as far away from Ruby and Erik as possible... then returns to the story.) Anyway, as the knights reached Camelot! The great and beautiful stone castle. The great Camelot!
Munku: Home!
Macavity: It's only a model...
Munku: (scowls at Macavity) Anyway, now we can relax my knights and feats at the round table.
Quaxo: Suddenly the king had terrible images of the knights singing and dancing on the tables doing the can-can and kicking chickens around and drinking all of his catnip.
Author: Actually there's a whole song and dance thing in the movie but I don't want to type it up.
Munku: (changes his mind about going to Camelot) No, let us go on. Camelot is just a silly place.
Quaxo: Then, the clouds parted and a holy being of Devin light and holiness appeared. It was the great Everlasting cat. Ok, so it was really Demeter put into a gauzy outfit, but that's the effect.
Munku: Ok great and beautiful goddess, I am not worthy of to look at you-
Demeter: Cut the crap! I gotta job for you.
Munku: I'm not worthy my lovely demmy- I mean my Goddess, but I'll do it.
Demeter: Being a holy being and all that jazz gets boring. And I don't have any yarn to play with. Go and find the Magic, Holy Yarn Ball. There, and in return... um... the weather in Camelot will be perfect.
Quaxo: And so the knights went onto their quest for the magical yarn ball.
Alonzo: Man, this stink! All this searching because Munkustrap's girlfriend had to ask!
Quaxo: As we come to the next scene, it is that King Munkustrap, his knights, and few servants, and "invisible" horses have all stumbled across a huge castle in a small forest. (raises an eye) How could they miss something that size?!
Jelly: No put-downs, honey.
Munku: (calls up to the guards high in the castle) Hello! We come in peace!
Erik: (dressed as Spanish/French conquistador) 'ello, 'ello! What do you guys want?
Munku: We come to speak to your master of this castle. We invite him to join the quest for the Holy Magical yarn Ball. He should consider it a great honor to join us.
Erik: Um.. (thinks quickly) No, he doesn't want to. I think he's already got one. (Leans over to the other psychopaths and whispers.) I told him we have one.
Psychopaths: (giggle and snort)
Munku: What?! Well, can we come up and see it?
Erik: No way! You're British! This is a French castle.
Sir Skimble: What's a French castle doing in England?
Erik: Go away you sons of a silly person! You'll never get up 'ere! Your mother was a toad and father was a prostitute-
Jelly: Erik!
Erik: Shut up! (tosses a bucket of molded milk at her) Now you knights, leave now or I will have to be violent! (Gives them a raspberry) Yuck.
Author: Yeah! Get out or I'll have sing country!
Everyone: (screams in utter terror)
Author: Oh jeez, I feel loved.
Munku: Well men, if they won't open by negotiation, then we'll go by force. CHARGE! (Munkustrap and his men run toward the big castle waving their cardboard, tinfoil covered swords, yelling.)
Erik: Got the cowapult ready? Aim? FIRE!
Quaxo: Johnny, the ax murder form the Shinning, released the "Cowapult" and then...
Macavity: (looks up and screams as a really big cow lands on him)
Munkustrap: Run away, run away!
Quaxo: The cowardly knights ran and screeched as they were pelted with livestock, such as living goats, chickens, ducks and the occasional human eyeball. But the knights were not completely defeated, even as the Phantom of the opera laughed and jeered and threw more goats at them. They hid over the next hill and in the small forest, building secret weapon. It made a lot of strange noises but it was still supposedly a secret. Suddenly the next morning, the French castle found a big wooden thing at their doorstep.
Psychopaths: (Ruby pokes her head out the door, with Erik above her, then Carrie, Johnny and Sweeny.)
Carrie: Oh no! It looks like the throne from the prom night!
Johnny: Carrie, don't go shootin' lightnin' bolts again. We need to see what it is.
Author: I wrote the script and I'm not sure what it is! I think it's a big Trojan Bunny.
Sweeny: You sure it's not a rabbit? Or a meat grinder?
Author: Could be a meat grinder. Now let's bring it in to see.
All the others: Oui, Oui.
Author: Huh?
Erik: It means yes!
(All of them drag the big wooden bunny in)
Munku: Perfect! Sir Smart Skimble, you are a genius! Now they have taken the bait, now what?
Skimble: Now Alonzo, Mungojerrie and I jump out of the bunny when the French go to bed and take them unprepared, unarmed and 100% by surprise!
Mungojerrie: Wait... who was going to jump out of the bunny?
Skimble: Alonzo, Mungo, and I.... (Realizes that all 3 of them are there. In fact all of the company is there) Oops.
Quaxo: Suddenly, a spring sounds, as Johnny lets lose the Wooden Bunny-aplult, and the knights turn away in terror as the wooden bunny lands on the bandaged and wounded Macavity. They decided to move on separate ways and look for the Magic Yarn ball.
Erik: (laughing and jeering) You ass donkeys! My Ruby got a better I.Q. than you did, and that would have been in the negatives! Ahaha! My one face is prettier than yours is, you ugly Pollicles of Britain! Even America is less polluted than you! (More laughing and jeering.)