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Cast:
Narrator: Gus
Snow White: Jemima
Evil Queen: Bombalurina
Mirror: Munkustrap
Hunter: Rum Tum Tugger
Dopey: Etcetera
Happy: Victoria
Sleepy: Pouncival
Bashful: Electra
Grumpy: Alonzo
Doc: Tumblebrutus
Sneezy: Exotica
Prince: Mistoffolees
Audience Members: The rest of the Jellicles not named in this program
Crew:
Director: Mitsue
Assistant Director: Old Deuteronomy
Stage Manager: Tantomile
Assistant Stage Manager: Coricopat
Lights, Special Effects and stuff: Macavity
Music: Phantom of The Opera
Backstage
Tantomile: Okay, five minutes to showtime.
Mitsue: Is everyone ready?
Everyone nods except for Etcetera.
Etcy: I have a tear on my costume.
A threaded needle and more thread appears out of thin air. Mitsue grabs them and starts repairing Etcy’s costume.
Mitsue: Sheesh.
Things are normal for a minute. But then, they hear some cats entering.
Jennyanydots and Jellylorum: Hello, everyone.
Deuteronomy: Hello, come in.
Jenny and Jelly enter. Jelly is carrying a huge flower print bag while Jenny has a slightly smaller version.
Coricopat: What’s in the bags?
Jelly: (with evil grin) Oh, just some supplies.
Pouncival: I don’t like that grin.
A big bathtub filled with water is suddenly seen. Pounci’s eyes widen in fear.
Pounci: I don’t like that bathtub either.
Jenny points in Macavity’s direction. Jelly smiles even more. Jenny approaches Mac, who is looking a little frightened. She grabs his arms and drags him toward the tub.
Mac: DYAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! NO! PLEASE!! SPARE ME!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Bombalurina: You know, it’s pretty depressing to hear the Napoleon Of Crime screaming over a bath.
Pounci: I don’t blame him. I would too.
Jenny pushes Mac into the bath with a big splash. Jelly has her bag unpacked: soap and scrubby sticks; she now holds Mac down as Jenny unpacks her bag: sponges.
Mac: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOoOoooOOOOOOooooo!!!! SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Exotica: (covers her eyes) The horror, the horror. Are we doomed?
Munkustrap: I believe so.
Exo: Can we scream now?
Mitsue: Yes, you can!!!!!!!! This is horrible, how can they do this?
Exo and Munku: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Tanto: Three minutes.
Back to the tub. Jelly has concentrated herself on Mac’s hair, while Jenny is doing what they all fear: cleaning between his toes. Water is splashed everywhere. Jenny and Jelly are soaking wet.
Jelly: Hold still, you mangy beast. We could grow catnip in the dirt we’re getting off you, mister.
Mac: (mane is covered in soap) No! Please! AHHH! Soap’s in eye, soap in eye!!
Jelly: Learn some English, please. Now if you hold still…
Jelly dunks his head under the water to rinse off soap. Jenny’s sponge is all soapy. Now she grabs a foot and starts scrubbing.
Mac: That tickles! That tickles! That tic-glubblubglub. Yuck! I had soap water in me mouth!
Bomba: Poor soul.
Tanto: Hey! It’s showtime!
Mitsue: Umm… Everyone get into positions! Misto, take over Mac’s department until further notice.
In front of the curtain, lights turn on. Gus slides out into his narrator position. The set behind the curtain is ready. Munku is in his little chamber behind the glass ‘mirror’ that is set up with a speaker and microphone. Jemima is on stage and Bomba is ready to go out on stage.
Gus: Once upon a time there was a lovely young princess.
Jemi starts skipping around.
Gus: Her father was the king. D’oh. Her mother died giving birth to her. She was called Snow Jemima, for she had white fur like snow, and black fur as black as ebony, and red stripes in her head fur as red as blood. She lived a happy live.
Audience
Demeter: But…
Bomba enters and stops in front of the ‘mirror’.
Gus: But she had a wicked stepmother named Queen Bombalurina. Everyday, Bombalurina looked into her mirror and asked…
Bomba: Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?
Oh, how original.
Gus: (to Bomba) Do you wanna be paid? (narration) The mirror would always reply…
Munku: I’m tired of replying to her, but I’ll say it anyway…
You are as fair as a gold,
And that is how it will be told.
I hate that rhyme. It’s so stupid.
Bomba: Too bad. You’re saying it anyway.
Audience
Rumpleteazer: The queen nevah knew thoit the mirrah was lyin’ ev’rytoime.
Gus: (glares at audience) Anyway, one day the mirror answered differently.
Bomba: Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who’s the fairest of them all?
Munku: You have a temper of high grade,
Snow Jemima is the fairest, I’m afraid.
Bomba goes into uncontrollable acting rage. She grabs the ‘mirror’ off the wall and slams it on the stage and breaks it.
Audience
Cassandra: Bomba’s good when it comes to tempers.
Munku: You know what they say, Queen of Muck,
Break a mirror and seven years of bad luck.
Bomba: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Gus: Bombalurina then ordered the Palace Hunter to come.
Bomba: Here, Tugger!! Come on, Tugger!!
Tugger enters.
Bomba: Good tom. Now I want you to take Snow Jemima into the woods and kill her. Bring her heart back to me. Now, go. I need to see if I have enough moola to buy another mirror at the store.
Tugger leaves. Gus: The Hunter took the young queen into the forest. He was going to kill her, but then he got pity in his heart. He told her to run for it and left her. He later went to the sweetshop and bought a catnip heart. When he gave it to the queen, she ate it.
Audience: Ewwwwwwww…
Scene change
Backstage
Mac is drying off. Jenny is chasing Pounci while Jelly is looking between Cori and Tanto.
Mitsue: Jenny, you don’t have time to bathe Pounci. He has to be on in a few minutes.
Jenny reluctantly stops.
Tanto: It’s time.
The first half of the stage is plain with the exceptions of cardboard trees. The second half is separated by a set piece that looks like the front of the cottage. Jemi takes her place as the lights appear.
Gus: As for Snow Jemima, she was lost, hungry and tired. She was skipping through the woods…
Jemima slowly saunters on stage.
Gus: I said, she was skipping…
Jemima starts skipping.
Gus: She was skipping through the woods when she came upon a small cottage.
Jemi: A cottage. How convenient.
Gus: She popped inside. Everything in the cottage was small. Not to mention messy. Snow Jemima cleaned everything up. She then noticed seven cups of cream and seven plates filled with kippers. She also found a bag of catnip. She drank all the cream and ate the kippers and catnip. Feeling tired and somewhat woozy, she moved into the bedroom and fell asleep on all the beds. They were very small, after all.
The dwarves enter.
Gus: A few hours later, the real owners of the cottage arrived. They were seven dwarves that went by the names of Etcetera, Victoria, Pouncival, Electra, Alonzo, Tumblebrutus, and Exotica. They were miners of gold and diamonds, and were the regular targets of the two cat burglars, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer.
Audience
Teazer: How’d ‘e foind out?
Gus: Needless to say, they were surprised to see the cottage door open. And when they looked inside, they were shocked.
Alonzo: What happened here?
Victoria: Uh oh, I think those dratted Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer were here.
Exo sniffs the air.
Exo: Don’t smell like them-achoo!
Tumble: Besides, the place is clean. Those two bumbling clowns don’t have the sense to clean up.
Audience
Mungo and Teazer: Wot d’ya mean ‘bumblin’ clowns’?
Electra: That clinches it! Jenny and Jelly must have been here.
Exo: (sniffing) No, doesn’t smell like them eith- achoo! Achoo!
Exo starts up a sneezing fit. The sneezes get bigger until…
Exo: AAAACHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
The impact of the sneeze blows Exo into the bedroom set. She lands on the snoring Jemi.
Exo and Jemi: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just then, Exo sneezes again.
Exo: ACHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
The force blows Jemi head over heels. The rest of the dwarves stumble into the room.
Etcy: Who are you?
Jemi: I’m Snow Jemima. Are you the messy cats who live here?
Alonzo: Perhaps. And we like to be messy. What are you doing here?
Jemi: Well…
Gus: Snow Jemima told the dwarf cats her tale of woe.
Jemi: … and so that’s it.
Silence
Jemi: Aren’t you gonna take pity on me?
Tumble: Why should we?
Jemi: Because my stepmother banished me and tried to kill me and I got lost and all. Oh, can I please stay?
All dwarves: No.
Jemi: But, but… (thinks a moment and then puts on the Jemima-Eyes) Please, please, please?
All dwarves started collapsing under the sheer cuteness of the Jemima-Eyes.
Etcy: Oh, oh, oh, oh, that hurts! Oh!!
Exo: Aaahh! Help me!
Alonzo: Okay, okay, okay, you can stay! But on one condition.
Jemi: (takes off Jemima-Eyes) What?
Alonzo: Don’t ever clean the house again.
Jemi: Got it.
Gus: And thus ended the first day of Snow Jemima’s new life. Now, back to the palace…
Scene change
Backstage
Cori: Thank goodness that we managed to take care of those two pests.
Deuteronomy: Yes, who knows what they could’ve done by now?
Jenny and Jelly are tied up and have been plopped into the water-filled tub. Mitsue and Tanto and scrubbing behind their ears with soapy scrub sticks. Mac is washing in between Jenny’s toes.
Mac: Ha! Now you know what it feels like to have your toes cleaned.
The dwarves and Jemi get backstage.
Pounci: Wow! What have I been missing!
Pounci gets a conveniently soapy sponge and starts scrubbing Jelly’s toes.
Tanto: Okay, Bomba, Munku, you should be in your places.
The stage lights up. The castle sets are back up. Munku is in his chamber with a new ‘mirror’ over it. Bomba is in the room with a goblet of cream in her paw.
Gus: The next morning, Bombalurina asked the new mirror her same question.
Bomba: Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who’s the fairest one of all?
Gus: And the mirror replied…
Munku: Because you’re such a blister,
Snow Jemima’s the fairest, sister.
Bomba breaks the ‘mirror’ again.
Munku: Add seven years more,
And you’ve fourteen, little sore.
Bomba steps on the ‘mirror’ again.
Bomba: Arrgh… I guess I have to kill her myself. But first I better buy a new mirror.
Scene change Pretty uneventful. It’s back to the cottage set. Jemi is alone in the cottage kitchen, pouting about something.
Gus: The dwarf cats had already left for work, leaving Snow Jemima alone. She was upset because all the cream she drunk yesterday had left her with a few pounds. She was going to go out on a walk when there was a knock on the door. She opened it to find a peddler at the doorstep. But she didn’t know that it was Bombalurina in disguise.
Jemi: Hello.
Bomba: Hello, young queen. Are you interested in a corset, it’ll make ya look thinner.
Gus: Snow Jemima didn’t take the time to think as she grabbed the corset and asked the wicked Queen to tighten the strings.
Jemi: Hey, I think you’re getting it a little too-
Jemi falls in a limp heap on the floor. Bomba laughs wickedly.
Bomba: Ta ta. Heeheehee.
Bomba exits.
Gus: Later, when the dwarf cats returned…
Tumble: Gee, I wonder who left the door open this time.
Vicky: I won’t be surprised if there’s another Snow Jemima in there.
Electra: I think that’s the last thing we need right now.
Etcy: Oh no! Look what happened to Snow Jemima!
The dwarf cats look upon Jemi. They cut the strings with a kitchen knife. Jemi sits up struggling for air.
Pounci: Bet it’s a relief to breathe again.
Jemi: Yeah, not to mention the designer tag. That thing itched like heck.
They look at the tag. It reads: Paparazzi.
Tumble: Paparazzi? What kind of a name is Paparazzi?
Alonzo: What kind of a name is Tumblebrutus?
Tumble: What was that you said?
Alonzo: Um, nothing.
Scene change Castle sets. Munku in chamber. New ‘mirror’. Bomba in room. Morning. Need we say more?
Bomba: Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who’s the fairest one of all?
Munku: You think you’re so sly,
Snow Jemi’s the sweetest, cutiepie.
Bomba breaks the ‘mirror’.
Munku: Seven more, I pity you,
Twenty-one to struggle through.
Bomba: Do you have to be so superstitious?!
Munku: It’s part of the Magic Mirror Code and Job Description.
Bomba: Never mind. (pulls out a checklist) Let’s see, buy new mirror, kill unbearably pretty stepdaughter… again.
Scene change Cottage set. Jemi alone. In front yard of cottage. Bomba comes up in gypsy costume with basket of poisoned apples (I know! I skipped the comb. Sorry!)
Bomba: Hello there, young queen. Would you like an apple?
Jemi: I don’t know, you see, I’m on a diet.
Bomba: (takes out knife and cuts off a piece) But they’re tasty.
Jemi: Oh, all right.
Jemi takes the piece and eats it. She chokes, then falls over.
Bomba: Heeheehee.
Bomba exits.
Gus: Later…
Vicky: Oh no, not again.
Pounci: And this time they had the guts to do it in the yard.
Electra: Might as well put her in a coffin made of glass.
All dwarves: Okay.
Pounci and Alonzo go offstage and return with the glass coffin. They place Jemi in there and lay it on the ground with the lid open so she doesn’t suffocate.
Gus: Seeing that there was no cure, the dwarf cats kept watch over her body, for lately there had been a spring of grave robbery lately. Prime suspect was this hunch-backed idiot, Igor.
Scene change Castle set. Munku in chamber. New ‘mirror’. Bomba in room with tray that has s goblet of cream, a plate filled with kippers, and a knife and fork.
Bomba: Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
Who’s the fairest one of all?
Munku: Since Snow Jemima’s rope hath been cut short,
I guess you’re the fairest, you big wart.
Bomba throws the fork at the ‘mirror’.
Munku: Ow! That was my eye you hit with that fork,
I wish someone does the same to you, dork!
Bomba: Aw, shaddup!
Scene change Cottage set. The coffin containing Jemi, along with the company the dwarf cats, is sitting outside on the front yard.
Exo: Gosh, I’m so bored. I’m gonna sneeze myself half to death, just for fun. ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO! ACH-
Etcy: Why don’t we close the coffin?
Vicky: Dope. If we close that coffin, it’ll turn into a tanning bed in this sunlight.
Etcy: Oh, cool. Can we take out Snow Jemima so I can get a good tan?
Vicky smacks her forehead. Mistoffolees enters.
Pounci: What’s that prince doing here?
Electra: Who knows? Whatever it is, it’s bound to give us some entertainment.
Misto: Hello there. What are you doing?
Alonzo: Oh, we’re just sitting here, frying from the heat, watching our dead friend’s body. Right, everyone?
The other dwarves nod.
Misto: Oh. Oh, dead friend cute. That is so unintelligent. I can't believe I had to say that.
Vicky: There you have it, folks. The words of an instantly-in-love and obviously sick weirdo.
Misto: Thank you, Vicky.
Tumble: Oh, why don’t you try to wake her up anyway? It might work. I doubt it, but try anyway.
Misto shrugs and walks to the coffin. He is about to kiss her when his rather atrocious breath-
Misto: Hey!
-wakes her up.
Jemi: Ewww!! Eww!! Bad breath!!! Ewwww!!
Misto: My breath is not bad!!
Jemi: (hands him some mints) Take a mint, will ya! Ohhhh! (hiccups up the piece of apple) Oh, that’s better.
Tumble: Well, you know what’s traditional.
Jemi and Misto: What?
Alonzo: You know, you get married…
Jemi: WHAT???
Misto: Can we break tradition?
Backstage
Mitsue: No, you can’t!
Jemi and Misto: Rats.
Jemi: We might as well. Okay, see ya!
Jemi and Misto skip off together paw in paw.
Vicky: Remember to invite us to the wedding!
Electra: Let’s get in our best.
The dwarf cats go through the cottage and exit. Then all cast members come out for curtain call. Then that does it for this production. But the story continues backstage… for a few minutes…
Jemi: I call bathtub! That coffin was hot, especially in the lights.
Jemi looks at Jenny and Jelly who are still tied up in the tub.
Jemi: But obviously it’s booked.
Tanto: There’s a shower in the bathroom over there.
Jemi: Thanks.
Mitsue: Before any of you leave this room, I need to announce something important. The auditions for the next production is next week.
Vicky: What play is it?
Mitsue: Well, I’m balancing between ‘Into The Woods’ or ‘Fiddler on The Roof’.
Misto: None of which she’s going to get finished because of her ‘Writer’s Block’.
A frying pan (?????) appears in Mitsue’s hand. Misto gives a shriek as he runs away. Mitsue chases him around waving it madly. Indignation can do that to you sometimes.
Mitsue: Come back here, O Cynical One!
Bomba: I told you she was a nutcase.
Electra: Yeah, but what’s with the frying pan?
My next fic. Don’t miss it! Yes, I know, I’m a shameless plugger. So sue me. No, really, don’t.
The End!