Breakaway by Mevima Rating: PG Warnings: slash, very slight language, angst You called yesterday to basically say That you care for me But that you're just not in love Immediately, I pretended To be feeling similarly And led you to believe I was OK To just walk away from the one thing That's unyielding and sacred to me Well, I guess I'm trying to be Non-chalant about it And I'm going to extremes To prove I'm fine without you But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind Underneath the guise of a smile Gradually, I'm dying inside Friends ask me how I feel And I lie convincingly 'Cause I don't want to reveal The fact that that I'm suffering So, I wear my disguise 'Til I go home at night And turn down all the lights And then I break down and cry So, what do you do When somebody you're devoted to Suddenly just stops loving you And it seems they haven't got a clue Of the pain that rejection Is putting you through Do you cling to your pride And sing "I Will Survive" Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way" Do you hold on in vain As they just slip away Well, I guess I'm trying to be Non-chalant about it And I'm going to extremes To prove I'm fine without you But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind Underneath the guise of a smile Gradually, I'm dying inside Friends ask me how I feel And I lie convincingly 'Cause I don't want to reveal The fact that that I'm suffering So, I wear my disguise 'Til I go home at night And turn down all the lights And then I break down and cry --"Breakdown", by Mariah Carey *** They had been best friends since they were kittens, and no one thought it unusual. Many Cats stay with close friends all their lives. But recently, it had slowly, irreversibly, changed into a more-than-friends relationship. They'd share a smile and something would pass between them. Occasionally they'd start acting like kittens again, tumbling along the ground and trying to catch each others' tails and paws. Just being together made the two inexplicably happy. And it shouldn't have been like that. Both of them had mates that they were perfectly happy with. That's what they thought, anyway. *** "'Zo, we need to talk." The somber expression on Cassandra's normally cheerful or smirking face told him that there'd be consequences if he didn't listen. He hesitated. She glared. He sat. "I'm going to cut straight to the point," Cass started in. *Like usual* Alonzo thought, but kept it to himself. "You've been hanging around that damn Tom far too much lately! And you know who I'm talking about, too... mister Super-Protector tabby." Alonzo almost broke in with a protest, but cut himself off when he realized that everything he had to say at this point would only dig himself in further. And besides, he'd learned it the hard way... once you got Cassandra started ranting about something, she just doesn't stop. "I just can't see what's with you Toms today!" the Abysinnian seethed, "Always thinking friendship is more important than their mates... running off to do what they want to do rather than thinking of others' feelings, and for what? Tell me what you get out of it! Other than having a damn good time at everyone else's expense of COURSE..." "Umm... what does this have to do with... us talking?" Alonzo ventured. Cassandra turned her gaze on him, from where she had been staring intently at a point somewhere in the middle of the far wall. The splotched Tom let his eyes flick in that direction momentarily, noting that there WAS a very interestingly-shaped patch of dirt there... but couldn't resist looking back at Cass' face. He flinched at her angry expression and shifted his eyes to rest on the floor uneasily. "It has everything to do with us!" Cassandra finally hissed, in a low tone, then let her voice rise as she continued. "You're spending all your time out doing things with... that... TOM... and completely ignoring ME!! Aren't we mates?! Don't you LOVE me anymore?!?" Continuing to stare in the floor's direction, trying to find something interesting in the beetle crawling across it, Alonzo bit his lip, frantically trying to think of something to say. After a moment of tense silence, Cassandra stood up and turned away, sighing in exasperation. "That's it, then," she muttered angrily. "If we don't love each other... what use is it to be mates..." Cass half-turned her head until she could see 'Zo out of the corner of her eye. "Get out.. of my home," she said firmly. *** "... I don't know... she just... cut off with me..." Alonzo said softly, with the silver tiger listening on. He knew he should feel awful from the curt breakup, but somehow... couldn't bring himself to. It didn't seem like that big of a deal, like a friend who had merely decided to move further away. Munkustrap reached over and gave the other Tom a comforting hug. "I'm sorry, 'Zo... really I am. I wish I could do something..." Feeling Munku's paws wrap around him in a friendly manner, Alonzo smiled gently and hugged back. Even such a seemingly small gesture cheered him up a little, making him feel content and happy. "It's all right... no permanent harm done, I think..." the black and white Tom chuckled, trying to make some humour out of the situation. "How can you be so calm about it?" Munkustrap wondered aloud. "She was your mate - " "No," Alonzo corrected him in a quiet tone. The other raised an eyebrow questioningly. Technically, she was, but... I stopped loving her... a long time ago. I'm truly surprised it took her - and me for that matter - this long to figure out." "..Wow..." Munku and Alonzo sat in thick silence for a moment, both immersed in their thoughts. Unintentionally, they glanced at each other at the same time and their eyes locked. "I..." Alonzo started, hesitantly, "think I'd better... um... get home..." The silver tabby paused and then nodded silently, noting as 'Zo left that he had a very bemused expression settled across his face. *** *Dammit...* Alonzo thought to himself, shaking his head. *Forgot... I lived with Cass...* He looked around for a moment before walking over to a half-secluded area of the Junkyard and leaning against a large cardboard box with a sigh. "How did I get into this mess..." Alonzo muttered to himself. Flicking a piece of dirt absently off of his fur, he put his head in his paws and tried to think. The day had gone by quickly, and now he didn't know what to do. Too many confusions and new emotions to deal with. After being with Cassandra for most of his adult life, and best friends with Munkustrap since kittenhood, Cass and him had broken up and his friendship with Munk had.. done something. He wasn't quite sure what yet. Thinking of Munkus... he sighed. That was the most confusing of all, at the moment. Why did he feel so contented whenever the handsome Tom was around? Alonzo blinked as a drop of water hit his nose. Rain? He looked up, and nearly got hit in the eye by another drop. *Ohh... damn... where am I going to sleep now?!* *** Munkustrap put his paws behind his head where he lay in the old dryer and stared at the ceiling, mind reeling from his encounter with Alonzo. Fortunately Demeter was out, over at Bomba's place for something or other, and he had some time to himself to think. The Tom paused for a moment. To think about what? His mind went blank. Well... first there was the question of Alonzo. Actually, there was ONLY the question of Alonzo. Munk ticked off the things on his paws. One - Cassandra and Alonzo broke up. Two - Alonzo discovered he didn't actually love Cass. Three - he stopped. Three... Alonzo was a rather nice Tom... and... Violently, he cut off that line of thought. He had Demeter. He was happy with Demeter. He was happy with... Alonzo? Where did that come from? he wondered, startled. Before Munkustrap could think of anything else, rain began to spatter against the top of the dryer, and he looked up, jolted out of his reverie. Nestling further into the comfort of the semi-warm dryer, he glanced out into the Junkyard and was surprised to see Alonzo sitting there, looking rather uncomfortable. *** Blinking, he remembered that 'Zo had lived in Cass' home for as long as they'd been together. Now that they weren't mates... he would have nowhere to stay. Thus thinking, he put his head out far enough into the rain to shout, "Hey, 'Zo!" The splotched Tom looked up, surprised. "Munk...?" He walked over to Munkustrap, grimacing as droplets of rain splashed onto his headfur. "Come on... it's wet out there..." Munkus smiled, moving aside so Alonzo could get into the almost warm dryer where there was just room for two. Giving his best friend a warm smile of gratitude, 'Zo adjusted his position so he was taking up as little space as possible. There was an uncomfortable silence between the two that lasted quite a while before Munkustrap broke it. "So... you're still not upset over Cass?" Alonzo shook his head. "I can't be... still dunno why..." *Though.. I might.. have an idea...* he added mentally, glancing furtively at the silver tabby. Munku opened his mouth to respond after a minute, but was cut off by 'Zo asking quickly, without looking at him, "What would you do if Demeter left you?" At that Munkustrap hesitated. He'd never really thought about the possibility. "Well.. I guess I'd..." He stopped and his eyes widened as he ran through the scenario in his head. "I'd... not mind..." he concluded, very quietly. "I... think I know what you mean..." Alonzo said. "You care about her... as a friend, but not - " he paused. "Not as your mate... right...?" Munku got a pained expression on his face. "I... oh, Bast... what'll Dem think when she finds out... I don't love her anymore...?" he murmured, voice breaking. "That... probably depends on what - and how - you tell her..." "I don't want to hurt her... she's such a caring Queen..." the silver tabby whispered. Alonzo had never seen Munkustrap this upset before - well, upset yes, but not... like this. He looked like his life had just been turned upside-down. "C'mon, Munk... she'll understand... don't worry about it so much," he said soothingly, nuzzling his friend's shoulder. The tabby froze. What was this? A friendly nuzzle? Or more? They'd both just lost their Queens... and been acting strangely towards each other... getting closer... He looked at Alonzo with searching eyes. Cocking his head, 'Zo tried to figure out what Munkustrap was thinking. Such a... strange... reaction to just a comforting nuzzle... He contemplated that a moment, then he straightened in surprise at his own thoughts. ...Was it really just that? Munkustrap slowly widened his eyes, thinking along the same lines as Alonzo. It couldn't... Toms always had Queens as mates... it just didn't happen! Toms didn't love each other more than as close friends... But then why in HEAVISIDE did he feel this way towards 'Zo...? Alonzo cleared his throat, and Munk looked back at him, glad to be distracted from the direction his thoughts had headed. "Something wrong?" the tabby asked, forcefully controlling the tremor in his voice. "No... not really..." Alonzo trailed off. He looked at the floor and tried to change the subject at paw. "So... am I just gonna sleep here tonight? Demeter won't mind...?" Munkustrap flinched at the mention of Demeter. "She shouldn't. She's over at Bombalurina's for the night..." He realized that he didn't know what she was doing there, and tried to shrug it off. "Just don't worry about it..." "Then you'll be the one worrying over it, if I don't." "You know me too well.." Munku sighed. "But I think I'd worry about it anyway, whether you did or not..." Alonzo shook his head. "Second in command or not, you worry too much. Let's just sleep on it... if Demeter's upset - which I have no idea why she would be" he added quickly at Munkustrap's alarmed look, " - we can deal with it better in the morning." "I guess you're right..." Munku conceded after some hesitation. "We'll sleep now... I'll deal with what in Heaviside to tell Dem tomorrow..." Nodding in agreement, Alonzo curled up in the cramped space next to the silver tabby. Munkustrap paused for a moment, but finally body warmth won over emotions and he curled up with 'Zo, drifting quickly to sleep. *** Demeter walked quickly towards the dryer, a broad smile and... something... on her face. Her "Queens' night out" with Bomba had definately been the most fun she had had since she was a kitten, and it was blaringly obvious to anyone with half an eye. As she neared the dryer, she blinked. Black-and-white fur mixed with the silver-and-black? She could make out who it was now... but... Alonzo should be sleeping in Cass' home.. right? Either way, he was here now, and curled rather... suggestively... around her mate. "Uhh... Munku?" Dem asked softly, prodding slightly at the sleeping Tom. He blinked his eyes open and stretched, jostling Alonzo who yawned sleepily and uncurled, shaking out his headfur. Rubbing his eyes a little, Munkustrap looked up. He blinked, and rubbed his eyes again. "What is that stuff all over your face?" "I think it's makeup..." Alonzo squinted, drawing Munku's attention. The silver tabby suddenly remembered the events of the previous night - or at least what he had discovered about his emotions. He opened his mouth slightly as if to say something, but merely looked back and forth, between his mate and his best friend. Demeter grinned at Alonzo, as yet still wondering why he was there, then cocked her head quizzically as she noticed Munkustrap's antics. What was that confused and... frightened... stare? "Munkus? Are you all right?" Shaking his head as if to clear it, Munkustrap focused his eyes on Demi. "...not really... I..." He trailed off, unsure as to how to tell his lifelong mate what he had discovered the night previous. "Come on, Munk... tell me..." Demeter persisted. "It can't be all that bad..." "Actually... it is..." He couldn't quite bring himself to meet her eyes, looked at Alonzo once, and ended up staring at his paws. "I.. don't... know how to say this..." Demi sighed, failing to catch Munkustrap's gaze. "Then just say it however you can..." Really... it couldn't be that bad... could it? Munku closed his eyes momentarily, took a breath, looked directly at Demeter and said quietly, "I don't love you." "You... what?" Demeter found this hard to swallow, rolling the words over in her mind. "I... don't love you... anymore.." the silver tabby repeated. He shrank back slightly, afraid of how she was going to react. After a moment of silence, he added quietly, "I don't know what happened..." Demeter opened her mouth as if to speak, but no sound emerged. Slowly, she forced out, "I... understand... it's all right..." Turning away, she walked slowly off in an almost random direction, not looking back for fear of Alonzo or Munkustrap seeing her silent tears. Biting his lip to keep from saying anything stupid, Alonzo looked at Munkustrap questioningly. He had stayed in the background until now, not wanting to make things worse. Munku was taking it harshly. He drew in ragged breaths, obviously trying to control his grief at causing his... former... mate such misery. "How could I do that to her..." "Munk... it would have been worse if you ended up telling her later..." 'Zo's voice, spoken softly. *** It couldn't be... how could he... didn't he love her? - no - not anymore - he said so.... what happened - wasn't she loveable, wasn't it possible to love her? or had she just become..... too paranoid to stand... too... something.... to love.... These thoughts and others ran through Demeter's head as she walked slowly through the Junkyard - not the main area, some side-passages that not many Cats knew about. She was hoping not to run into anyone, yet still hoping that she would, praying to the Everlasting Cat she'd come across someone she could talk to - cry to.... Only half-realizing what she was doing, she slumped against a random pile of junk, letting the tears flow freely, making no effort to disguise the sobbing sounds torn from her throat. "Oh Bast, oh Bast, he doesn't... I still..." she murmured absent things to herself between breaths, things that didn't make sense to anyone but herself, more often than not, not even to herself. *** *Oh, Cass, you've done it now...* the Abyssinian mentally berated herself. *Kicked out the only Tom you've ever had in your life. How stupid can you get?* She sighed and looked around, noting without surprise that she was in rather familiar territory; a "passage" through the junk that she had always liked to wander down, even as a kitten. Her head jerked up as she heard the faint sounds of half-heartedly controlled sobbing nearby. *Who would come HERE, of all places..?* she wondered, working her way carefully in the direction she thought it was coming from. "Demeter?" she whispered to herself, quiet enough that she herself could barely hear it, when she spotted a golden-furred Queen on the opposite side of several pieces of blunted metal. *Why would she be...?* As far as Cassandra knew, Dem had nothing to be upset about, yet here she was, shuddering with sobs, obviously miserable. Stiffening suddenly, Demeter spun to face Cass. She sunk into a defensive crouch, wiping tears away from her eyes with one paw. "What do you want?" Her voice was hollow, lifeless, like she... just didn't care anymore. "I... I wanted to see - you were crying - " "I was not!" Dem interrupted fiercely, denying it though the signs were obvious on her face. Cassandra shook her head slightly. "Why, Dem? What do you have to be unhappy about?" Silently, she added, I sure have enough reason... mostly at myself... "You haven't heard - why would you have? - I wouldn't think he'd made it common knowledge yet..." Demeter had gone back to feeling and acting utterly hopeless, unable to keep up any type of face. She turned away and tried to control the sobs that threatened to overwhelm her. "Dem... will you tell me what's wrong?" Cassandra asked, getting impatient despite being sympathetic to Demeter's tears. Drawing in a breath before she responded, Dem spoke shakily. "He... Munku said - oh Bast... Munkustrap told me that - he - doesn't..." She closed her eyes a moment before continuing with a dull, mumbled, "He doesn't love me anymore..." "Oh.." Cass blinked. "I'm sorry...." "Oh, yeah, you're sorry all right.." Demeter muttered. "YOU'RE sorry. Do you have any idea how I felt? how much he meant to me?! how much he MEANS to me?!? I was ready to fall in his lap and tell him I loved him, BEG him not to leave, and all I could DO was WALK AWAY!!" The Queen was nearly hysterical by now, upset at Munkustrap, upset at herself, upset at everything. "Demeter... I... I didn't know... I lost my Tom yesterday, my fault really, I shouldn't have done that to him... it wasn't his fault..." Cassandra rambled to herself. An unwanted tear rolled quietly down her face. "Your Tom, yeah, like Zo'd ever leave - " Demeter stopped herself short and looked up. "Alonzo left?" Cass nodded silently. "My fault.." she murmured. Sitting back slightly, Dem tried to remember where she'd seen Alonzo. The car? the tire? Munku - Munku? She followed that line of thought a little, certain she was on the right track. "He was in the dryer today... asleep... with Alonzo!" she whispered, forgetting momentarily that Cassandra was right next to her. "He... what...??" the Abyssinian growled. Demeter blinked. "He fell asleep with Munkustrap last night.. in the dryer....... ohBast..." The two Queens' eyes locked and they knew immediately they were thinking the same thing. *** It was nighttime now, barely... the stars had just begun to come out. For the second night in a row, Alonzo had curled up loosely in the dryer and fallen asleep, and looked quite comfortable - he even had a slight smile on his face. Munkustrap sighed, looking over at the black and white Tom with... a feeling he couldn't identify. He frowned at that - he usually knew exactly how he was feeling. But this... was different. Not like what he had shared with Demeter, oh no, nothing like that. It was stronger, somehow... Nearly holding his breath with uncertainty, Munku reached out a tentative paw to Alonzo's face. He paused, then ran his paw down the other's cheek. Mumbling something incoherent, Alonzo shifted in his sleep and Munkustrap snatched his paw away quickly, afraid that 'Zo would wake up and see him... staring down like a lovesick Pollicle. Waitaminute... lovesick? Munk slid down the cool metal side of the dryer until he was sitting on the bottom, resting his head in his paws, and wondered what was happening to him. *** Alonzo woke up late the next morning, yawning widely. He started to stretch when he realized that there was a paw across his side, hampering his movement. Two of them, actually. His eyes followed the broad paws... up the strong, delicately muscled arms... finally connecting with Munkustrap's sleeping face. Putting the two together, he found that Munku had fallen asleep curled up on his chest. Trying to dislodge the sleeping silver tabby was of no use - when 'Zo pushed him gently away, he merely snuggled closer. Finally, Alonzo gave up and made himself as comfortable as he could. He didn't know how long he would have to lay there until Munku woke up. *** "Oh, fine, Dem, YOU can stay here if you want, but you can't stop ME from going to talk to them," Cassandra seethed. Demeter bit her lip nervously as the Abyssinian Queen stalked towards the dryer. The sight of Munkustrap curled up in Alonzo's arms made Cass pause for a moment, enough to see 'Zo's widened eyes as he stared up at her, startled. Then she grimaced, put her paws on her hips, and hissed loudly, "And WHAT do you think you two are DOING??" Munkus flicked his ears back and forth sleepily, disturbed by the noise nearby, and half-opened his eyes. Almost immediately, he realized who he was sleeping next to, as well as where his paws were, and jerked away with a yelp. Looking out of the dryer, a sheepish expression formed on his face as he spotted Cassandra glaring at him. "Let me repeat myself," Cass frowned angrily. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "Sleeping?" Alonzo replied weakly. "I knew something was going on... that's why you spent so much time with him. Planning on leaving me for your precious silver Tom, were you?" 'Zo opened his mouth, but no response came out. "Ha. Can't stand having your secret exposed? How long were you planning on staying like this, without anyone knowing, hmm? Were you - " "It's not LIKE that!" Munkustrap interrupted hotly. Cassandra turned on him, as intent on her new target as she was on Alonzo. "Oh really? Then do tell me, oh great and fearless leader, why you were sleeping in his arms?" "Because... I... well, he..." Munku stuttered uncomfortably. "Yeah. Right," Cass sneered. "I'll give you two minutes to come up with a better excuse." Munkustrap and Alonzo exchanged glances, wondering what in Heavyside they should say. They nearly missed when Demeter walked quietly up, and only noticed her when she spoke. "How could you?" she whispered softly. "Ah... Demeter, I..." The silver tabby winced internally and outwardly, hating himself for subjecting her to this. "You left me," Dem continued, unshed tears shining in her eyes. "I loved you... Bast, I STILL love you, I may always... you never know... but do you even care?" "I... only wanted to tell you the truth... of course I care..." Munkustrap protested, reaching out a paw half-heartedly. She pushed it away. "Don't give me that. Don't you understand me - I still love you. I don't WANT you to leave me by myself. Alone. Munk, do you even know how that feels? To have no one there, with you, loving you?" Demeter's tears were flowing freely now, but she didn't look like she cared. "Demeter... please..." Alonzo started hesitantly, not quite sure what he was going to say, but knowing how much Munku still cared about her, and thus how her words would probably affect him. When Dem didn't respond, Cassandra took the chance to break in with her own closing. "So - I guess I got what I came for. Confirmation. See you later, Alonzo, Munkustrap," she spoke curtly, impassionately, then spun and walked away stiffly. Hiding in herself. Biting her lip, Demeter looked after the Abyssinian, then back at Munkustrap. She tried to search his eyes for something, anything, but when he would raise his gaze to meet hers, she found only confusion. "I'm sorry," she mouthed, though sorry for what she wasn't sure, and dashed across the 'Yard as quick as she could, melting into a shadow. In the silence that followed, Munkustrap looked over at Alonzo, eyes unfocused, mouth agape but speechless. He trembled slightly, an aftereffect of the two Queens' barrage. Slowly, he curled in on himself, letting tears trickle down his face as all the hurt, self-hatred and confusion of the past couple days washed over him violently. A choking sob caught in his throat. Alonzo closed the short distance between them almost without hesitation, and wrapped his arms around the silver tabby comfortingly. Munku shifted his position unconsciously and buried his face into Alonzo's chest, sobbing quietly. *** She had to admit, they made a pretty couple with the sunlight filtering through the dryer and into their fur. Cassandra watched Alonzo comfort Munkustrap, patting the back of his head, from a small alcove across the Junkyard, concealed in shadows. Silently she cursed her stupidity. True, she and 'Zo weren't mates anymore, but she did care for the foolish Tom, and shouldn't have been so harsh with him. It wasn't his fault... not anything he could change... besides, they looked so good together. If Munku had been smiling, it would have been a perfect picture... Shaking herself out of that line of thought, Cassandra grimaced. Who had ever heard of two Toms pairing as mates? Yet, here they were, sitting practically in front of her... looking so irresistably sweet in each others' arms... *** The splotched Tom rocked very gently back and forth, hugging Munku loosely to him. Slowly he patted the other's headfur, enclosing him in a soothing embrace. Before he could stop himself, Alonzo leaned down and kissed Munkustrap's forehead lightly. *Oh, Bast...* he thought to himself, pulling his head back and staring down at the Tom who had nearly cried himself to sleep in his arms. *At least he didn't notice...* Looking out on the Junkyard, he thought he saw movement near the tire, almost directly opposite the two Toms, but dismissed it as the wind running through old plastic bags. "Now what was that, may I ask...?" Munkustrap inquired drowsily, eyes still closed but not asleep. Freezing stock-still, Alonzo gaped at the silver tabby. *Damn... I've done it now, haven't I...* "Uhh... nothing...?" "Like hell it was nothing," Munku retorted cynically. He lifted his head and looked up, searching Alonzo's face. Continuing, he said a little more gently, "What was it for?" "I'm... not sure... sorry, I didn't - know I was going to... do that..." 'Zo said softly, relieved that the tabby wasn't angry, but worried that he might explode in any minute. Munkustrap's slowly spreading smile was a complete but... pleasant... surprise. "Don't apologize..." "What? but... I shouldn't have... it was out of line..." Alonzo protested weakly. The soft smile held. "No. It was right."