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Editor's Note: This fic was not my idea. It's messed up, completely offensive, and... I like it! So be warned. *g*
Camera zooms in on the peaceful set of the Jellicle Junkyard as the sun rises. All is quiet and serene until…
Munkustrap: Cut! Cut! Cut! It's all wrong! PLATO-can't you do anything right?
Everyone: NO!
Munkustrap: Okay, that's what I thought.
Plato (from behind massive, clunky movie camera from the 1920's): Hey! Are we quite done with the insults yet???
Victoria: NO! You scum-sucking, pornography-obsessed, freakish little pervert of a-
Misto: Hey, that's what you said to me YESTERDAY!!! Don't you have any better insults to dish out???
Victoria: Um…no.
Misto: Just checking. Hey, does that mean you love me more than Plato?
Victoria: OF COURSE NOT! You scum sucking---
Everyone: Anything but that!
Victoria: Scum sucking…uh…stupidhead?
Plato: *claps* Vick-what an exquisite display of eloquence…
Victoria: Shut up, you buttkissing, sucking-up freak. *pauses* Hey, I thought of a new one!!!
Jellylorum: My my, wee ones, where did you get pottymouth like that?
Tugger: *snickers* Yeah, wee ones, didja rub your faces in the toilet?
Etcetera: O Tugger-o, Tugger-o, wherefore art thou, Tugger-o??
Tugger: Munkustrap! I thought I told you to put a restraining order on that one-kitten freak show!
Munkustrap: *conveniently sneaks off*
Etcetera: Yeah, Tugger-o! Let's run off an' be a freak show!
*everyone laughs at the adorable obsessed kitten*
Pouncival: *mimicks* Yeah, Tugger-o! Let's elope and become Russian circus clowns!
*silence*
Munkustrap: Right. Anyway…
Suddenly, a giant hand grabs Misto and lifts him off the ground. A booming female voice speaks.
Giant voice: Oh, dat's my widdle Mistoffolees. Oh, you is soooo cute, you is just cute enough to cuddle-wuddle forever…
*everyone relaxes* Oh, it's just the author.
Author: Hiya! How're you coming along with that little fanfic I assigned you? Has Misto fallen madly in love with me and decided to profess his undying love for JellicleKate?
Misto: *looks for sharp object to kill himself with*
Author: Oh no you don't!
Plato: Obviously Misto doesn't want you. Take me!!! Me!!!
Author: * "accidentally" steps on Plato with giant platform shoes, killing him*
Victoria: Oh no! One less person to insult!
Cassandra: Oh no! One less meaningless sex slave!
Munkustrap: Oh no! One less handsome… *everyone stares* Uh… never mind.
Misto: *stubs toe suddenly on assorted junkyard shrapnel* OWOWOWOW!! Fre@kin' $hit!!
Jemima: *giggles* Ooh! Fre@kin' $hit! Fre@kin' $hit! (censored) (censored) (censored)
Jennyanydots: *wakes up with look of horror* NO, JEMIMA! NO!
Jellylorum: And they were her first words, too…so much for the baby book.
Tugger: Not exactly…you don't wanna know what her REAL first words were.
Everyone but Jenny and Jelly: Yes we do! Yes we do!!!
Tugger: okay then… *everyone crowds around as he whispers something*
Electra: EEEWWWW!!!
Cassandra: Ooh…twisted porno! *happens to "glance" at Alonzo*
Jenny: *faints*
Jemima: Mommy, Mommy! What did I do? *big brown eyes swell to the size of Lake Michigan*
Everyone: Awww…she's so cute!
Jellylorum: *sighs* Well, for the sake of restoring some peace around here…WHO WANTS POPSICLES?????!!!!
Rumpus Cat: Pollicles!!! Where????
Everyone: SHADDAP!!!!!
Rumpus Cat: *shrugs and slinks off*
Exotica: Is it just me or does that feline have a fiiiine behind?
*everyone ignores her*
Exotica: Dammit, I'm fading into the tire again.
Bustopher Jones: Did someone say popsicles? My, am I famished!
Monica Lewinsky: Oh, hello Bustopher-may I call your Jones? I mean, call you Jones?
Bustopher Jones: *suspiciously* Yeeeeessssss?
Monica Lewinsky: Well, I see that we have a little dietary problem in common, and I would just like to recommend the wonderful club that helped me through it…
Bustopher: What is that, the Screw Mr. President And Then Sue Him For It Club?
*everyone laughs*
Bustopher: 'Cause if it is, you should know that I am already a registered member.
*moment of silence*
Munkustrap: Will…get…through this…don't…try to… picture…it…
Skimbleshanks: Aye, what'd a lad have to do to join the club? Any membership requirements?
Monica: *look of disgust* You know what, I'll just send everyone pamphlets.
Bustopher, Skimble, and Coricopat: Oh, goody!
Demeter: Munkustrap, kiss me you fool!!!
Munkustrap: Okay.
*they start making out and edge toward the old car, a popular makeout place, but find it already occupied*
Everyone: GASP!!!!!
Rumpleteazer: *weakly* Um… 'ello?
Munkustrap: Hey, I thought you guys were litter mates, not make-out mates!
Alonzo: I thought you were partners in crime, not romance!
Cassandra: To put it plainly…aren't you guys brother and sister?
Mungojerrie: No, actually… We's jost second cous'ns.
Everyone: Ohhhhh...
Munkustrap: Wait…when you entered the tribe, the register slips said you were siblings.
Rumpleteazer: Oh…um…
Munkustrap: Y'know, forget I said that.
Demeter: Now where were we…
Munkus: Oh, sweet lovin'. Oh baby. Hot mama…
Grizabella: What is it, dear?
Demeter: Eewwww…you talk about your mama during lovey-time?
Alonzo: Okay, many things wrong with this picture: a) Grizabella-you are dead! Stay that way! b) Munkustrap-Griz's your mama? c) Demeter-lovey-time????????
Macavity: Hey dudes, wazzup?
Demeter: Macavity!
Everyone: SHADDAP!!!
Macavity: Actually, I would much prefer if you called me Mack.
Munkustrap: You stay away from Deuteronomy this time. You hear?
Mack: Oh come on, 'Strap. Everyone's already heard about your steamy love affair with Deut.
Everyone: No we haven't!
Munkus: *sobs* No one was supposed to know!
Just then, the author suddenly reappears, picks up Misto again, and kisses him passionately on da lipz.
Misto: PHLWEEAACCHH! Sorry, Author, but I have a little rule against dating out of my species.
Author: I don't. *another passionate kiss looms inches from the Conjuring Cat's lips*
Misto: But you're not a Jellicle!!!!!
Author: Oh yes I am. See? *ahem* JEEEEE-llicle songs for JEEEE-llicle cats!
The captive audience scratches at their ears painfully as the insane and lust-driven author continues her warbling rendition.
Author: See? And y'all thought I wasn't a Jellicle cat! *giggles* Now where was I…
Misto: Uh-uh. No. No. No….
Author: You're mine. All mine…
To Be Continued…
***Author's Note***
Y'know, this entire ficcy here is the end result of a bottle of root beer, two pieces of pizza, three doughnuts, a Coke, and some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. In other words, blame it on a sugar high. I just want y'all to know…this is my first fanfic and it is the most pointless and...um…pottymouth-y story I have ever written, so just know that my future fics won't be anything like this…
At least, not *all* of them… *veryveryvery evil grin*
And before I finally leave you alone, there is just one thing I must say. I apologize for it.
OH MY GOD!!!! MR. MISTOFFOLEES IS SO HOT!!!!! YOU GO, CONJURING CAT!!!!!
Again, I apologize.