Absolutely Jellicle Chaos
by JellicleKate

Editor's Note: This fic was not my idea. It's messed up, completely offensive, and... I like it! So be warned. *g*

Camera zooms in on the peaceful set of the Jellicle Junkyard as the sun rises. All is quiet and serene until…

Munkustrap: Cut! Cut! Cut! It's all wrong! PLATO-can't you do anything right?

Everyone: NO!

Munkustrap: Okay, that's what I thought.

Plato (from behind massive, clunky movie camera from the 1920's): Hey! Are we quite done with the insults yet???

Victoria: NO! You scum-sucking, pornography-obsessed, freakish little pervert of a-

Misto: Hey, that's what you said to me YESTERDAY!!! Don't you have any better insults to dish out???

Victoria: Um…no.

Misto: Just checking. Hey, does that mean you love me more than Plato?

Victoria: OF COURSE NOT! You scum sucking---

Everyone: Anything but that!

Victoria: Scum sucking…uh…stupidhead?

Plato: *claps* Vick-what an exquisite display of eloquence…

Victoria: Shut up, you buttkissing, sucking-up freak. *pauses* Hey, I thought of a new one!!!

Jellylorum: My my, wee ones, where did you get pottymouth like that?

Tugger: *snickers* Yeah, wee ones, didja rub your faces in the toilet?

Etcetera: O Tugger-o, Tugger-o, wherefore art thou, Tugger-o??

Tugger: Munkustrap! I thought I told you to put a restraining order on that one-kitten freak show!

Munkustrap: *conveniently sneaks off*

Etcetera: Yeah, Tugger-o! Let's run off an' be a freak show!

*everyone laughs at the adorable obsessed kitten*

Pouncival: *mimicks* Yeah, Tugger-o! Let's elope and become Russian circus clowns!


Munkustrap: Right. Anyway…

Suddenly, a giant hand grabs Misto and lifts him off the ground. A booming female voice speaks.

Giant voice: Oh, dat's my widdle Mistoffolees. Oh, you is soooo cute, you is just cute enough to cuddle-wuddle forever…

*everyone relaxes* Oh, it's just the author.

Author: Hiya! How're you coming along with that little fanfic I assigned you? Has Misto fallen madly in love with me and decided to profess his undying love for JellicleKate?

Misto: *looks for sharp object to kill himself with*

Author: Oh no you don't!

Plato: Obviously Misto doesn't want you. Take me!!! Me!!!

Author: * "accidentally" steps on Plato with giant platform shoes, killing him*

Victoria: Oh no! One less person to insult!

Cassandra: Oh no! One less meaningless sex slave!

Munkustrap: Oh no! One less handsome… *everyone stares* Uh… never mind.

Misto: *stubs toe suddenly on assorted junkyard shrapnel* OWOWOWOW!! Fre@kin' $hit!!

Jemima: *giggles* Ooh! Fre@kin' $hit! Fre@kin' $hit! (censored) (censored) (censored)

Jennyanydots: *wakes up with look of horror* NO, JEMIMA! NO!

Jellylorum: And they were her first words, too…so much for the baby book.

Tugger: Not exactly…you don't wanna know what her REAL first words were.

Everyone but Jenny and Jelly: Yes we do! Yes we do!!!

Tugger: okay then… *everyone crowds around as he whispers something*

Electra: EEEWWWW!!!

Cassandra: Ooh…twisted porno! *happens to "glance" at Alonzo*

Jenny: *faints*

Jemima: Mommy, Mommy! What did I do? *big brown eyes swell to the size of Lake Michigan*

Everyone: Awww…she's so cute!

Jellylorum: *sighs* Well, for the sake of restoring some peace around here…WHO WANTS POPSICLES?????!!!!

Rumpus Cat: Pollicles!!! Where????

Everyone: SHADDAP!!!!!

Rumpus Cat: *shrugs and slinks off*

Exotica: Is it just me or does that feline have a fiiiine behind?

*everyone ignores her*

Exotica: Dammit, I'm fading into the tire again.

Bustopher Jones: Did someone say popsicles? My, am I famished!

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, hello Bustopher-may I call your Jones? I mean, call you Jones?

Bustopher Jones: *suspiciously* Yeeeeessssss?

Monica Lewinsky: Well, I see that we have a little dietary problem in common, and I would just like to recommend the wonderful club that helped me through it…

Bustopher: What is that, the Screw Mr. President And Then Sue Him For It Club?

*everyone laughs*

Bustopher: 'Cause if it is, you should know that I am already a registered member.

*moment of silence*

Munkustrap: Will…get…through this…don't…try to… picture…it…

Skimbleshanks: Aye, what'd a lad have to do to join the club? Any membership requirements?

Monica: *look of disgust* You know what, I'll just send everyone pamphlets.

Bustopher, Skimble, and Coricopat: Oh, goody!

Demeter: Munkustrap, kiss me you fool!!!

Munkustrap: Okay.

*they start making out and edge toward the old car, a popular makeout place, but find it already occupied*

Everyone: GASP!!!!!

Rumpleteazer: *weakly* Um… 'ello?

Munkustrap: Hey, I thought you guys were litter mates, not make-out mates!

Alonzo: I thought you were partners in crime, not romance!

Cassandra: To put it plainly…aren't you guys brother and sister?

Mungojerrie: No, actually… We's jost second cous'ns.

Everyone: Ohhhhh...

Munkustrap: Wait…when you entered the tribe, the register slips said you were siblings.

Rumpleteazer: Oh…um…

Munkustrap: Y'know, forget I said that.

Demeter: Now where were we…

Munkus: Oh, sweet lovin'. Oh baby. Hot mama…

Grizabella: What is it, dear?

Demeter: Eewwww…you talk about your mama during lovey-time?

Alonzo: Okay, many things wrong with this picture: a) Grizabella-you are dead! Stay that way! b) Munkustrap-Griz's your mama? c) Demeter-lovey-time????????

Macavity: Hey dudes, wazzup?

Demeter: Macavity!

Everyone: SHADDAP!!!

Macavity: Actually, I would much prefer if you called me Mack.

Munkustrap: You stay away from Deuteronomy this time. You hear?

Mack: Oh come on, 'Strap. Everyone's already heard about your steamy love affair with Deut.

Everyone: No we haven't!

Munkus: *sobs* No one was supposed to know!

Just then, the author suddenly reappears, picks up Misto again, and kisses him passionately on da lipz.

Misto: PHLWEEAACCHH! Sorry, Author, but I have a little rule against dating out of my species.

Author: I don't. *another passionate kiss looms inches from the Conjuring Cat's lips*

Misto: But you're not a Jellicle!!!!!

Author: Oh yes I am. See? *ahem* JEEEEE-llicle songs for JEEEE-llicle cats!

The captive audience scratches at their ears painfully as the insane and lust-driven author continues her warbling rendition.

Author: See? And y'all thought I wasn't a Jellicle cat! *giggles* Now where was I…

Misto: Uh-uh. No. No. No….

Author: You're mine. All mine…

To Be Continued…

***Author's Note***
Y'know, this entire ficcy here is the end result of a bottle of root beer, two pieces of pizza, three doughnuts, a Coke, and some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. In other words, blame it on a sugar high. I just want y'all to know…this is my first fanfic and it is the most pointless and...um…pottymouth-y story I have ever written, so just know that my future fics won't be anything like this…

At least, not *all* of them… *veryveryvery evil grin*

And before I finally leave you alone, there is just one thing I must say. I apologize for it.


Again, I apologize.

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