Uncle Munkle
by Chapeau, the only cat that looks good in a hat. Ha!

[The setting: the day before the Jellicle Ball. Munkustrap is practicing his part, and Chapeau is annoying him.]

Chap: Hey! You! Uncle Munkle!

Munku: At the Jellicle Ball where we all re- (thinks for a moment) What did you call me?

Chap: Uncle Munkle.


Chap: Sure. Better than some of the other stuff I thought up.

[Munkustrap has a blank look.]

Chap: Yeah. Unkie Munkie, Munku-doodles, El Munko...

Munku: WHY?

Chap: I'm bored.

Munku: Why don't you go get Mistoffelees to teach you some card tricks or something?

[Chapeau holds up the shredded remains of a pack of playing cards.]

Munku: Hmm...

Chap: You could tell me a story. Please? Pretty pretty please? For me, Uncle Munkle?

Munku: Oh, nooo...


Munku: Okay, okay. There once was a cat. She-

Chap: What did she look like?

Munku: She was... gray. Now, this cat-

Chap: What was her name?

Munku: Does it matter?

Chap: I have to complete my mental picture.

Munku: (sighs) Fine. The cat's name was... um... Tom. Yes, the cat's name was Tom.

Chap: Wasn't the cat a girl? Why would she be named Tom?

Munku: Her parents were confused. Now be quiet and let me finish. Since her name was Tom, most of the other cats teased her.

Chap: Oh, poor Tom the confused female feline!

Munku: And so, Tom joined the Witness Protection Program, moved to a new tribe, and lived happily ever after. The end. There, I told you a story.

Chap: It wasn't a very good story.

Munku: Will you please go find someone else to bother?

Chap: So this is what it's gonna be, huh? You... (sniff) you don't like me anymore? (sniffle) I just wanted (sniff sniff sniffle) to hear a story. Was that too much to (blows nose on tail) ask for? (sneezes)

Munku: Hold on a minute! How is this all my fault? You're annoying me!

Chap: I (sniff sniff) really try to be good!

[Rum Tum Tugger walks through trying to play one of those sappy little violin solos like they have in sad parts of a movie. Except he's playing it on the bagpipes. Munkustrap stares at him, then shakes his head as if dreaming.]

Chap: It's just so hard not to act weird! (wipes eyes with tail, then wrings it out) I've always been weird! It's just who I am!

Munku: Gee, I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I just need to practice my part. You know, for tomorrow.

Chap: (sniff) 'kay. Um...

Munku: (rolls eyes Heavy Sidelayer-ward) What?

Chap: Can I still call you Uncle Munkle?

Munku: I'm probably going to regret this later...

[All of a sudden, through the wonder that is fanfic, it's the next day at the Jellicle Ball, during the middle of the naming of cats.]

All: Of names of this kind I can give you a quorum;
Such as Mun-


[Everyone stares at her, which isn't unusual.]

Bomby: Uncle Munkle, huh?

Munku: Shaddup.

Rum Tum: (signing) And we all think
"Oh, well! I never! Was there ever
A name more embarrassing
Than the one Chapeau gave Uncle Munkle?"

Demeter: MACAVITY!

[Macavity stalks in. Oooh- the suspense.]

Mac: Well (hole in the ground!), Uncle Munkle; we meet again.

Munku: Is it just me, or do we seem to meet every time that Andrew Lloyd Webber guy comes around?

Mac: Who?

[Munkustrap points to the car. ALW stands up and waves.]

ALW: You've skipped about half of the script, but you're still doing good. (thumbs up)

Chap: Uncle Webble!

All: WHAT?!?

Chap: It's polite to address elders you know (or, in her case, would like to at least meet) by uncle. It's a whole lot friendlier than "Hey! Mister What's-his-name!" anyhoo.

Victoria: Well (hole in the ground!), you would call me Aunt, even though Your Royal Majesty would be more respectful.

Chap: Actually, I'd still call you Uncle- that is, if we were close.

ALW: Come to think of it, I don't really like Victoria that much either. Let's just write her out of the script...

[The author uses the magic of fanfic once again and POOF! A car horn goes off and Chapeau wakes up from where she's trying to sleep in her hat. It's not working very well.]

Chap: (turning to her friends) You know, I think sometimes a good dream is worse than a bad one.



If you don't know who the CATS characters and Andrew Lloyd Webber are by now... I really pity you.

The "well (hole in the ground!)" joke is something I use quite frequently, even in real life. I pity me. :o)

Back to the Fanfiction
Come Home