[The setting: the day before the Jellicle Ball. Munkustrap is practicing his part, and Chapeau is annoying him.]
Chap: Hey! You! Uncle Munkle!
Munku: At the Jellicle Ball where we all re- (thinks for a moment) What did you call me?
Chap: Uncle Munkle.
Munku: UNCLE MUNKLE?!?
Chap: Sure. Better than some of the other stuff I thought up.
[Munkustrap has a blank look.]
Chap: Yeah. Unkie Munkie, Munku-doodles, El Munko...
Chap: I'm bored.
Munku: Why don't you go get Mistoffelees to teach you some card tricks or something?
[Chapeau holds up the shredded remains of a pack of playing cards.]
Chap: You could tell me a story. Please? Pretty pretty please? For me, Uncle Munkle?
Munku: Oh, nooo...
Munku: Okay, okay. There once was a cat. She-
Chap: What did she look like?
Munku: She was... gray. Now, this cat-
Chap: What was her name?
Munku: Does it matter?
Chap: I have to complete my mental picture.
Munku: (sighs) Fine. The cat's name was... um... Tom. Yes, the cat's name was Tom.
Chap: Wasn't the cat a girl? Why would she be named Tom?
Munku: Her parents were confused. Now be quiet and let me finish. Since her name was Tom, most of the other cats teased her.
Chap: Oh, poor Tom the confused female feline!
Munku: And so, Tom joined the Witness Protection Program, moved to a new tribe, and lived happily ever after. The end. There, I told you a story.
Chap: It wasn't a very good story.
Munku: Will you please go find someone else to bother?
Chap: So this is what it's gonna be, huh? You... (sniff) you don't like me anymore? (sniffle) I just wanted (sniff sniff sniffle) to hear a story. Was that too much to (blows nose on tail) ask for? (sneezes)
Munku: Hold on a minute! How is this all my fault? You're annoying me!
Chap: I (sniff sniff) really try to be good!
[Rum Tum Tugger walks through trying to play one of those sappy little violin solos like they have in sad parts of a movie. Except he's playing it on the bagpipes. Munkustrap stares at him, then shakes his head as if dreaming.]
Chap: It's just so hard not to act weird! (wipes eyes with tail, then wrings it out) I've always been weird! It's just who I am!
Munku: Gee, I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I just need to practice my part. You know, for tomorrow.
Chap: (sniff) 'kay. Um...
Munku: (rolls eyes Heavy Sidelayer-ward) What?
Chap: Can I still call you Uncle Munkle?
Munku: I'm probably going to regret this later...
[All of a sudden, through the wonder that is fanfic, it's the next day at the Jellicle Ball, during the middle of the naming of cats.]
All: Of names of this kind I can give you a quorum;
Such as Mun-
Chap: UNCLE MUNKLE!
[Everyone stares at her, which isn't unusual.]
Bomby: Uncle Munkle, huh?
Rum Tum: (signing) And we all think
"Oh, well! I never! Was there ever
A name more embarrassing
Than the one Chapeau gave Uncle Munkle?"
[Macavity stalks in. Oooh- the suspense.]
Mac: Well (hole in the ground!), Uncle Munkle; we meet again.
Munku: Is it just me, or do we seem to meet every time that Andrew Lloyd Webber guy comes around?
[Munkustrap points to the car. ALW stands up and waves.]
ALW: You've skipped about half of the script, but you're still doing good. (thumbs up)
Chap: Uncle Webble!
Chap: It's polite to address elders you know (or, in her case, would like to at least meet) by uncle. It's a whole lot friendlier than "Hey! Mister What's-his-name!" anyhoo.
Victoria: Well (hole in the ground!), you would call me Aunt, even though Your Royal Majesty would be more respectful.
Chap: Actually, I'd still call you Uncle- that is, if we were close.
ALW: Come to think of it, I don't really like Victoria that much either. Let's just write her out of the script...
[The author uses the magic of fanfic once again and POOF! A car horn goes off and Chapeau wakes up from where she's trying to sleep in her hat. It's not working very well.]
Chap: (turning to her friends) You know, I think sometimes a good dream is worse than a bad one.
If you don't know who the CATS characters and Andrew Lloyd Webber are by now... I really pity you.
The "well (hole in the ground!)" joke is something I use quite frequently, even in real life. I pity me. :o)
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