[It is a dark night (as if every night wasn't) in the junkyard. Victoria (Booo! Evil klut!) is skipping along in her happy, egotistic little bubble. For some reason, she's wearing a tutu. I don't know why, though it's probably because I don't like tutus.]
Rum Tum: Can we please get on with the story? I'm getting bored.
[Whoop-de-doodle joy. Anyway, stating for the record that I DON'T LIKE TUTUS, Victoria's was all frilly and pink, making her the epitome of all that I despise.]
Rum Tum: Are you done now?
[Haven't even started! Um.... Okay, I can start the story.]
Etcetera: AAAAHHHH!!!! TUGGER!!!!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!
Rum Tum: Will you shut up for once?! I'm trying to hear a story... if the author would ever get started!
[I'm trying to start. Now, everyone, BE QUIET!]
Vic: I'm so pretty! Oh so pretty! And look at my frilly little tutu!
[She twirls past the tire and does a pierouette. She strikes a pose, then curtsies. It's then that she notices that no one was watching, which makes her pout.]
Vic: Hmph. I deserve applause!
[There is a sound of confusion behind her, as though someone has run into the tire. A cat with a hat five sizes too big on their head yelps.]
Chap: Damn! Could've sworn it was over there last time! Why does the tire keep moving?!
Vic: Maybe it's your brain. Oh, wait; you don't have one. What a pity.
[Chapeau the cat attempts to find Victoria (probably so she can beat her head off with the hat, but that's another story). She trips over the hem of her skirt. Have you guessed that Chapeau is clumsy yet?]
Chap: I'm not clumsy! I'm... um... motionly impaired? Now, where'd my tail go?
[She's also rather confused. Bet you hadn't noticed.]
Chap: Hey! You! Dumb white cat!
Vic: The correct term should be, "Your Royal Highness."
Chap: Whatever, your Royal Hiney.
Vic: Oh, ha ha ha.
Chap: I want to show you something; I can pull a kitten out of my hat.
Vic: (laughing) Oh, yeah, sure! (stops and thinks for a moment) Of course, no one's ever seen you without a hat on before... This might be interesting. Fine; let's see your pathetic attempts at glory, which only I shall ever achieve.
[Chapeau removes her blue fuzzy hat and waves her hand over it a couple times. She gives it a reassuring pat, and puts her hand in.]
Chap: One... two... ABRACADABRA and POOF!
[Chapeau has succeeded in making a rather puny-looking snake come out of her tobogan. Victoria shrieks and faints. The other, smiling happily, gives the snake a squeeze. It squeaks. (Ah, the wonder of rubber.) She turns around.]
Chap: Did you get all of that?
[Callidell emerges from behind the tire, video camera in hand.]
Calli: Of course I did. I even used the zoom button. Let's go find Tantomile.
Tanto: Did you get the tape?
C & C: Yes.... Did you get the milk?
C & C: Hand it over.
[They trade the video tape for the milk.]
Tanto: If it gets me what I want, I'll see if I can find you... some cheese.
[The two run away quickly and very very happily! Later on... Tantomile has run into Mistofelees.]
Tanto: Oh, Misto?
Tanto: (shakes tape) Remember when you said you'd get me a song in "Jellicle Ball?"
Misto: You actually got them to pull it off?
Tanto: Behold; the power of dairy.
[Mistofelees grabs the tape and hands Tantomile a script. She giggles and walks off. Mistofelees goes to find Munkustrap.]
Misto: Hey, Munkustrap? Buddy? Pal?
[Mistofelees waves the tape. Munkustrap takes the tape and gives Mistofelees a new, shiny top hat, then leaves to find Jennyanydots.]
Munku: Guess what I've got?
Jenny: It took you long enough.
Munku: I had to do some... bargaining. Did you keep up your end of the deal?
[Jennyanydots holds up the remains of a set of bagpipes and takes the tape.]
Munku: Thank the Everlasting Cat.... I don't think I could've taken one more night of... "practice."
[Later on... Victoria is sitting on the tire, looking bored. Jennyanydots walks up.]
Jenny: I've lost my new pink lace table runner that took me a week to crochet, and I think you know where it is.
[She shakes the tape and makes snake noises. Victoria looks scared and gives Jennyanydots her "tutu."]
Chap: ...so, in a nutshell, that's what happened to your bagpipes. Will you give me back my hat now? My ears are cold.
[Rum Tum Tugger gets a sneaky idea.]
Rum Tum: Could I get you and Callidell to do something for me?
Chap: Depends. Does it involve a video camera?
Rum Tum: Yes, and there will be cream in it for both of you.
Calli: Sounds reasonable. What should we do?
[About an hour later, a camera zooms in on Jennyanydots tripping over her tap shoes. I suspect that there will be a new pair of bagpipes in Rum Tum's future.]
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