Author's Note: "Prv." means Private, "Cpn." means Captain, "Gen." means General (NOT an alcoholic drink, as a dense boy in science class suggested), and "smorgasbord" means whatever smorgasbord means. It just sounded funny at the time.
[Open to: a dark and stormy... wait, that's another story. A bright and sunny... Hmm, now that's really a different story! Think, think, think...]
Prv. Fred: How about blight and hairy?
Author: That'll work. Okay, once upon a Thursday- of course, it might have been Wednesday...
Translator: That means, "Hurry up! My antennae are going numb from my green spandex costume!"
Author: Fine. Blah, blah, blah, opening lines!
[A bagpipe sounds off camera.]
Author: CUT! Who was that?
[Rum Tum Tugger smiles nervously and waves. He then sees the camera and runs up and makes faces into it.]
Author: What are you doing here?
Rum Tum: (looks surprised) I'm the main character. (crosses tail) Remember?
[Before the author can reply...]
Victoria: No! I want to be the star! (pushes Tugger out of the way and strikes a pose) I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.
Cpn. Pete: Yo! You! (reads "Prv. Fred"s badge) Privy Fred!
Prv. Fred: It's Private. Private Fred.
Cpn. Pete: Whatever. Listen, wassn' that DeMille guy in 101 Dalmatians?
Prv. Fred: No, sir, that was Cruella DeVille.
[Tugger looks shocked.]
Rum Tum: Cruella DeVille?! Victoria, you never told me you were in a movie!
Victoria: So? You never told me that you were a Pomeranian in disguise, Fluffles.
Author: People, people, please! (blank stares from all directions) Um, Jellicles. (stares from the ants) I mean, ants. (stares from the Jellicles) Species?
[A rock looks at the author mencaingly. A few petrified tree branches join in.]
Author: WHATEVER you are! Get off my stage! (the Cats leave, Tugger and Victoria hissing at each other) Now, let's start at the beginning, shall we?
Cpn. Pete: Beginnin'. Ver' logic... laughi... good place t' start.
Prv. Fred: You're drunk again, aren't you, sir?
Cpn. Pete: What'd give ya (hiccup) that (hiccup hiccup) idea?
Gen. Kluptogonagen: What did he say?
Translator: He said, "I can't find my helmet!"
Gen. Klupto: Funny. I thought he said smorgasbord.
Translator: Yes, sir, quite.
Gen. Klupto: Could've sworn he said smorgasbord!
Translator: No, sir, he was talking about his helmet, which he can't locate at this time. Please, stay on the line. Your call is important to us... beeeeeeeeep. (shakes his head) Whoa, I was channelling AT&T. (grabs alcohol from the Captain and downs the whole thing. He falls over and off the set.)
Author: Um, Sarge?
Author: Here, try this. (throws him a large poofy hat with a feather in it)
[Sancho Panza runs out in front of the camera.]
Sancho: What am I supposed to wear on my head now?
[The author throws him a tam as a bunch of crazy girls in the wings scream, "Sancho, Sancho, Sancho!"]
Sancho: Oh, so now I'm Scottish!
[Tugger hands him a pair of bagpipes.]
Rum Tum: The author won't let me play, so I'll let you borrow them. It completes the look. Besides, the pay's good and you don't have to run into windmills.
[The Squeegieman walks up with his squeegie right in front of the camera.]
Squeegieman: Honest living, man! (squeegies the camera) Feliz Navidad!
Author: (head in hands) Can we please get on with this?
[Cut to: a scene in the movie. The ants are trying to talk to people as they pass by on a busy sidewalk.]
Prv. Fred: Excuse me, tall man with the extremely large hiking boots, but could I possibly convince you to take us to your leader?
Prv. Fred: Or, I could always interest you in the revolutionary new RotaChopper for only four easy payments of $29.99. (sticks a tomato in it and turns it on) We take Visa!
[Captain Pete is hanging on to someone's shoelaces.]
Cpn. Pete: YEE-HA! Lookie at me, Private Privy!
Prv. Fred: It's Private, sir, not privy.
Cpn. Pete: Fine and dandy, Private Private.
Prv. Fred: Fred, sir.
Cpn. Pete: Fred Private?
Coricopat and Tantomile: FRED'S A PIRATE?!
[Growltiger runs in from somewhere, surprisingly undead.]
Growltiger: Really? Me too!
[A crazed eight-year-old Pokemon fan walks up.]
Fan: Did you say Mewtwo, the next evolutionary stage of the psychic cat Pokemon Mew? The star villain of The First Movie? The archenemy of-
Jigglypuff: Jiggly? Puff puff!
[Erik starts trying to kill the Jigglypuff, believing it to be an escaped evil purple tribble from the planet Nopt (Fillinblank, Episode Numbers 1 and 1 1/2).]
Author: Where are you characters coming from?!?
[Sigmund Freud walks up.]
Freud: I believe you can blame your mother for that one. Always blame the mother. Especially when you're as oversexed as I am.
Author: Will someone please explain to me what the hell is going on?
[The USS Fillinblank soars through the scene, bowling over Sarge and smushing a few extras, surprise surprise. It shoots its phasers at the Jigglypuff/ Evil Tribble. Captain Enjolras is screaming.]
Enjolras: BARRICADE! Warp 10 3/4! Engage!
[The Fillinblank sputters, then stops; it swerves and crashes into the backdrop.]
Enjolras: Damn! Why does that keep happening?
Jellylorum: Shame on you! Cursing in front of the kittens!
Enjolras: Who are you and why are you on my ship?
Author: Who are you and why are you in my movie?
Enjolras: Security Chief, please secure the perimeter.
Macavity: Oh, look, you're observant.
Author: Will everyone except my cast please get OFF OF THE SET!
[Cut to: the viewing room. Everyone is watching the film, which is really really bad, as in not good.]
Rum Tum: Pass the popcorn.
Sancho: I think I gave it to Jelly.
Jellylorum: I'm pretty sure I gave the popcorn to Erik.
Erik: No you didn't. I haven't gotten any popcorn yet.
Enjolras: If none of us have it, then that means-
[Jigglypuff burps and hides under a chair.]
Erik: Never mind.
Macavity: By the way, where were you when we crashed the ship again, anyway?
Erik: I was... um... (Enjolras whispers something to him) Oh, yes. I was bravely chasing down the Jigglypuff on the- what was that word? (Enjy whispers again, trying to look discreet) On the Forlornian planet. (looks at Enjolras) If I did all of that, then why won't you let me go on vacation?
Enjolras: You tried to kill Sherlock Holmes when he was high last time we tried to take the crew somewhere!
Erik: He wouldn't have cared very much if he was on drugs, now would he?
Enjolras: Um... (changes subject quickly) Where'd all of the extras go?
Holmes: (running through theatre with a magnifying glass) Now, where did I leave my needle? Here medicine, medicine, medicine! Roger: You know, Gordo used to (sniff) lose things (sniffle sniffle) too!
Macavity: Wow, he didn't-
Roger Deli-Bovi: WAAAAAAAAH!
Macavity: -scream. Hey-
Author: Straw's cheaper.
Fredicus, God of Email: Mom has a beeper?
Death: ¿Yo soy Reaper?
John Jacob Jingleheimer Shmidt: Sam is a Quantum Leaper?
Dr. Jafar Berenstein: My hand is a clipper?
Enjolras: Gymnasts are flippers?
Macavity: Yes, I agree. Straw is much cheaper.
[There are a few moments of silence.]
Erik: What just happened?
Bombalurina: The author has become more and more obssessed with her boredom from the steadily increasing amount of insanity in her school.
Sancho: So why are you here?
Bombalurina: I just told you.
Sancho: Oh, right- look, the movie finally came on!
[Switch to: movie screen.]
Cpn. Pete: Yo! You! Private Privy!
Prv. Fred: (sighs) Yessir?
Cpn. Pete: Sarge needs to use you, Privy.
[Back to audience.]
Mistoffelees: Whoever wrote this should be shocked.
Macavity: And ripped to shreads.
Dr. J.B.: Can I give them a... lobotomy?
Dr. J.B.: Darn.
Author: What's going on?! This was supposed to be a film about evil alien ants, and, for some reason, I've got the entire cast of CATS, Sancho Panza, a crazed kid, a Jigglypuff, the Phantom of the Opera, Enjolras, John Jacob-
Jacob: Don't say it! They'll start singing!
Author: -what's-his-face, Roger Deli-Bovi, Dr. Jafar Berenstein, Fredicus; God of Email, and Death criticizing a film that I never asked them to come see!
Death: Hola. ¿Comó estas?
Author: And FURTHERMORE, this was supposed to be a good, scary movie with lots of dramatic suspense, action, thrills, suspense, and Oscar award-winning acting! It was not, repeat NOT supposed to turn into a comedy, because Captain Pete is NOT drunk, and Sarge doesn't yell "smorgasbord," so there is absolutely NO need for there to be a translator, which means that Private Fred is NOT a bathroom!!! DO I MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR?!?
[The author faints from lack of breathing. The cast stares at her for a minute.]
Erik: And the ship doctor said I was the one who needed Prozac.
Author: (at her computer typing) ...And so, the author never had the movie she always wanted to make. Instead, she had a story that made no sense whatsoever and rambled quite a bit in some places. But, it was still kind of fun to read and she decided that someone with too much time on their hands might enjoy reading it.
[The author's eight-year-old, Pokemon crazed little sister bursts into her bedroom.]
Author: Have you ever heard of a thing called knocking? I could charge you with breaking and entering.
Sister: You've got some serious explaining to do.
Sister: Mewtwo does not evolve from Mew, and there's no such thing as a psychic cat Pokemon!
Author: Is now.
Author: For literary purposes, I'm bending the rules just a smidge. Meet Miss Mewstofelles.
[A large cat waves at her sister, who runs away to find a Pokeball to catch it with. The author puts the cardboard cat cutout back into her closet.]
Author: God, I love fanfic.
Every single character in this story except for the author, the ants, Fredicus, and my sister/crazy fan is copyrighted by other people. So I don't get in trouble, I'm dedicating this to the following:
Andrew Lloyd Webber;
Miguel de Cervantes;
those who have nothing better to do with their lives than sit around dreaming up new Pokemon;
the guy who had nothing better to do with his life than sit around dreaming up new songs to torture kids named John Jacob Jingleheimer Shmidt;
the cool dude who came up with Quantum Leap, and;
whoever invented fanfic. Gotta love 'em. Thanks also to my friend Allie, who inspired me to write this when an ant crawled onto her hand one day after school. In other words, this story was meant to be. Gotta love Fate.
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